Let It Bern

Listenin’ to the rain outside pourin’ as it hammers pitter-patterin’ over the ceilin’,

Blockin’ the wondrous stars everlastin’ as described by Banjo Paterson,

Reflectin’, meditatin’ and thinkin’ ‘bout the world that we’re livin’ in, Covid cases that keep on spikin’ and jumpin’,

Pandemic returned with a vengeance, reckless fools done wrecked it for others, had one job to do but got too damn complacent,

Second wave was expected, ain’t no vaccine or cure had been found yet, somewhat frustratin’ but don’t wanna get caught by this virus,

Wonderin’ if panic buyers are re-starting their engines, ready for a rematch at Woolworths, if the bored and famous are plannin’ an encore performance of a tune by John Lennon,

Protesters are still ragin’, Black Lives Matter they still chantin’, a whole nation’s divided, the fallout’s still persistin’,

Racists still blamin’ Asians for the virus, attackin’ frontliners handlin’ their business,

People still showin’ their true colors, it’s an ugly shade of twisted and fucked-up mixed with heavy doses of ignorance,

Sucks to live with a medical condition being forced back into isolation, ain’t whinin’ or complainin’ but it’s still kinda disheartenin’,

Good days and bad days are inevitable, just gotta keep the head above water, though some days feels like I’m treadin’, going under and drownin’,

But got too much pride for quittin’, gotta keep on goin’ and stay fightin’, often times optimistic I’m feelin’, just gotta count all of the blessings,

Ain’t starvin’ or homeless, still healthy and active, ain’t suffered severe losses and grievances, no point entertainin’ the beasts of anxiety and depression,

Gotta stay patiently waitin’, prepare for the moment that’s comin’, this storm’s just passin’, ain’t permanent, in tough times gotta choose a mindset that’s winnin’.

Going on three months in lockdown, virus is slowing but gotta stay cautious,
So near yet so far uncertainty overshadows the foreseeable future,
Led to a spontaneous combustion of emotions, that stove been left unattended,
Once that pot starts bubblin’ better brace for the explosion,
It’s tit for tat between world leaders like some twisted game of tennis,
While the bored and desperate go stir-crazy, sick of living like prisoners,
But spare a thought for victims of the fucked-up and the ignorant,
Mankind’s infected with serious shortcomings, twenty-twenty was a harsh reminder,
We’re talking ‘bout this evil thing called racism where differences in appearances trigger disturbances,
Should’ve been left in the dark ages but it’s persisting despite so-called progress,
Manifesting during times of trouble, bringing out the worst in others,
In this Brave New World two major events exposed peoples’ true colors,
The pandemic drew the bigoted from their caves like the proverbial moths to that flame,
While elsewhere the dam exploded and society’s drowning following another senseless killing.

Jacked-up on fear and substances, the ignorant blasting all Asians for this virus,
Flashed back to past outbreaks and plagues that saw different minorities blamed,
Check out ‘Frisco in the early nineteen-hundreds, Bubonic Plague saw the Chinese Exclusion Act strengthened,
Back to the present and Yellow Peril’s reincarnated,
Childish playground shit, all corners pointing fingers on certain students, no one gives a fuck, not even the teachers,
Cowards scared to swim deep so they stay in shallow waters, victims are prosecuted based on appearances,
The elderly abused and pushed around, young ones threatened and harassed,
Asian faces triggering frothing racists, even when they got that facemask strapped,
Yet sparing the full-grown and strong, saving hands, saliva and insults for the vulnerable and old,
Bullies duckin’ and dodgin’ the smoke, the cowardice is something to behold,
Scare tactics and fear mongering spreadin’, slapped onto store windows and news headlines,
While Donnie and his homies are slingin’ comments that are inflammatory and asinine,
Peep at how they reportin’ on this virus, Asian faces splashed on screens and newspapers,
Treating ‘em like Emmanuel Goldstein, Is it coincidence or they stokin’ emotions?
There’s a Cold War between nations over who’s responsible yet the spread was a global team effort,
Doctors from ground zero silenced by communists but their warnings went unheeded until after that virus ran rampant,
Open your damn eyes and minds, take a look around and stop the hate,
Y’all fools are part of the problem and not the solution, that virus don’t discriminate.

Elsewhere in the Divided States, different day but the same old bullshit,
Emancipation should’ve ended it but oppression went another direction,
Demonizing ‘em with harmful stereotypes, denying ‘em privileges that others take for granted,
Slapping ‘em with stiffer sentences for serious charges while lighter offenders can get off with something lesser,
The police swore an oath to serve and protect, for some that should’ve come with a fuckin’ asterisk,
Where in the handbook does it permit y’all to stop, harass and search ‘em for no reason besides skin color?
And if arrest is warranted why are y’all roughing ‘em and killing ‘em even if they ain’t resisting?
Not hating on all carrying badges, the majority perform their duties admirably,
But when bad seeds get away with bad deeds the masses ain’t gonna take it lightly,
Thinking ‘bout Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd and other victims of this one-sidedness,
Black kids can’t play cops and robbers without being mistaken for the latter,
The system’s broken, simmering tensions and frustration are a toxic combination,
The fallout is gnarly, shades of Watts and L.A. in ’65 and ’92, respectively,
But don’t get ‘em twisted, protestors ain’t rioters,
But they’re omitted from the TV news ‘cuz chaos guarantees more ratings and views,
Looters come in all races but selective editing focus on darker faces like they dictating who to blame for this,
But ya gotta wonder who’s in it for the mission or just taking advantage of the situation,
How’s robbing and looting helping while the economy’s struggling?
Y’all are harming the innocent, wrecking businesses owned by they whose lives need defending,
How’s two wrongs gonna equal solution? What good will come from this destruction? Can’t condone these fuckin’ riots, y’all went too far with this,
But the rage is understandable, been four hundred-plus yet the bullshit’s still happening,
They’re crying ‘All Lives Matter’ with conviction but some lives remain disposable,
‘Riots are the language of the unheard’ quoted Dr. King, but also noted they’re self-defeatin’,
Gotta be exhausting explaining to your children the dangers they’ll be facing due to their darker complexion,
Open your damn eyes, stop, think and open your minds and stop the hate,
Look beyond colors and quit judging, ‘cuz underneath we all bleed the same.

On and on it goes this twisted, toxic mindset,
Arabs slammed by the masses for every terrorist incident since nine-eleven like they as a collective started ‘em,
Labeled as troublemakers like black men in America, media hysteria helped fuel that skirmish in Cronulla,
Hispanics dismissed as gangsters, drug dealers and illegals with falsified papers, so vociferous are Don and his rabid supporters,
Africans in China attacked as virus carriers while the world slaps Asians with similar accusations,
Could go on and on with examples and all races are susceptible,
That includes White folks, deemed the face of the human race blessed with special privileges,
But you’d be naïve to believe that it can’t also be a hindrance,
Can’t offer certain opinions without being labeled ignorant and entitled,
Can’t act or dress in certain ways without staring misappropriation charges in the face, 
Condemnation awaits if they attack other races but flip the script barely an eyebrow’s raised,
Met with cynicism in the realms of ballin’, fightin’ and rappin’, privilege sure has failed ‘em,
Twenty deep in the third millennium but fools remain wandering in the desert,
At the mercy of the vultures, the powers that be that should’ve known better.

Heard it all before, excuses from the judgmental and bigoted, flipping faster than Greg Louganis whenever they’re confronted,
‘I got a spouse or friend’ from whatever race or culture they’re hatin’, nobody’s buying it,  you never should have started,
‘I don’t feel comfortable with ‘em,’ bullshit, harden up and get to know ‘em rather than jumping to conclusions,
‘They’re all the same,’ says you, your prejudice serves  to generalize and defame, Fool,
A global utopia remains a pipe dream, as elusive as Lasseter’s Reef,
The curse is deeply rooted, survived for so long probably won’t fade into oblivion,
Not all are open to education, can’t wait for ‘em forever and nothing comes out of coercion,
They are beyond your control, it’s better to start small when it comes to long-term goals,
Work on yourself first to help heal this world,
Put an end to prejudice and embrace one another’s differences,
Hatred is learned behavior, teach children love in addition to reading, writing and proper manners,
The world has enough bullies so don’t you go planting seeds,
If All Lives Matter then it’s about time we lived it, no more unequal distributions of justice,
Quit blaming others for the sins of the stupid, spare your wrath for the culprits that deserve it,
Ignore the irresponsible unless you want to join the foolish and gullible, stereotypes and propaganda are a rotten motherfucker,
To the racist and bigoted, it’s high time y’all changed your ways,
They’re in disarray, enslavin’ you to acts of hate as you stay choking on those chains,
Open your damn eyes and stop the hate, strip away race, cultures and backgrounds we’re all the same,
We’re all part of the human race, the sooner it sinks can real changes take place.

Alarm rings, fumbled for it in pitch black,
Early wake-ups are no fun but gotta get an early jump before the sun’s up,
Grip’s still sleeping, phone seems slicker than oil as it slips onto the mattress,
Blind instinct takes over from eyes still unadjusted to the darkness,
Trudging to the bathroom, splashed cold water on these craggy features,
Ray of light bouncin’ off the mirror, reflection within got you squirmin’,
This old vessel’s sailed one too many voyages, the wear and tear’s evident,
The ocean once seemed endless, now the port’s visible in the distance,  
Hit you like a gut shot from Tyson, hourglass was tricklin’ now it’s pourin’,
Yearning for a breather, just want to hit the pause button,
Or at least get back on play, someone stop fuckin’ with the fast-forward,
Your hands must be numb, can’t feel the remote that you’re controllin’,
Hit pause then rewind, zip back to years long gone,
You are the captain of this ship, only you alone can right the wrongs.

Through the eyes of innocence the world’s a magical place,
Surroundings seemed straight out of sci-fi, the concrete jungle with tall buildings stretching sky-high,
Mountains and fields were straight out of picture books that Teacher read to the class in between grinding hard for a piece of paper that said you passed,
Lived in dreary suburbia, for you it was utopia, away from the confines of school fun times lasted forever,
But time was ever-present, worked in silence and prowling unnoticed,
Revving up slowly, creepin’ like a predator that you never saw coming,
Took off like Roadrunner, Wile E. didn’t have a prayer,
Now you’re grown up and bewildered trying to keep it all together,
Seen enough of this world, curiosity faded from your make-up,
Know-how and wisdom co-existing with stress and anxiety plus a decline in physicality,
Terrible teens and roaring twenties they quickly came and went,
Past the point of quarter-life crisis, not quite ready for mid-life, greying strands suggest you’re drifting from life’s morning and closer to night,
Panicked tunes are ringing, on loop the crescendo’s rising,
Countdown’s on, time to leave this hole in which you’re slowly decomposing.

Different day, same shit, nothing new, same tired fucking routine,
Get up and work, go home and sleep, eat, rest and move in between,
Runnin’ ragged on that treadmill but circumstances can’t bear the full brunt,
You were given legs and free will at birth but you stay put like a horse stuck in mud,
You used to be so brazen, bold, daring and resilient as a street urchin,
Climbed up the highest slides in the playground, beat your chest like you were King Kong, slid down on your belly, hands first like Superman towards the sand box,
Graduated to hormone-fuelled hedonism a decade later, fooled with the opposite gender while trying different substances,
Made it out alive, the scars and stories remain, younger generations can’t accuse you of being lame,
It was various escapades twenty-four-seven, you could’ve been the spawn of Hunter S. Thompson,
Motley Crue would’ve saluted you, childhood buds idolized you and in adulthood they still do,
But they’d surely be disappointed at what had become of you,
The animal that they knew, it’s unrecognizable as you’re wasting away like some lifeless fool,
Slavin’ for bread, kissing ass to eat at the table, talk about misguided servitude, you played yourself like a fiddle,
Wanna slow time? View the world once more through a child’s eyes,
Keep searching and learning, your mind’s been softening for a long while,
Spice things up, expand that memory bank, muscles can plateau without switching up training plans,
Kids give everything a shot, passed or failed before moving onto something different,
Just like pint-sized Marco Polos they are always down for exploring,
Grown-ups are shackled by fear and bullshit rules, customs and expectations in their damn minds, kids take on all comers fearlessly, even if they might stumble and fall a few times.

Scrap that daily routine, be like Jordan and slam dunk it into the trash,
Rearrange or start fresh, pop that neuralizer like they do in Men In Black.
Travel and see the world, talk to strangers and get to know ‘em,
Swap stories like soldiers on break, you just might find a few kindred spirits,
Learn a new language, that would surely expand that cranium,
Test yourself in a new setting, enjoy it even if you can only remember how to order chicken,
Not ready to go big? That’s cool, little steps are better than zero,
Still beats putting up with monotony and coming full circle in a hurry,
Read a new book, listen to new tunes, give that hair a new do,
Send that dominant hand on vacation and give its lazy co-worker a promotion,
Begin again and keep evolving, keep that body and mind challenged,
Be curious and live forever young, add more years and enjoy it,
‘Cuz ain’t nothing scarier than regret, that window’s limited no matter how wide it’s opened,
The past is gone, the future ain’t promised, start today and get right on it,
That ship will reach port to send you to the next level, can’t duck and dodge it forever, it’s inevitable,
Aim to stand tall at the pearly gates to proudly declare that you’d earned it.

Somehow, some way, this song by Frank Ocean took me back to ’95,
Autumn break from school, the air was cool even as the sun was in bloom,
Carefree as any ten year old while temporarily paroled,
From school not juvy, but for the immature mind it might as well be,
I was home on this day, in between gaming messing ‘round with Lil’ Sis,
Grandma played sitter, Pops was working while Mom’s out buying groceries,
Childhood innocence, now long-gone, looking back with misty-eyed nostalgia,
Smiling at the memories as life sails inexorably towards the future,
Let’s take a walk in Momma’s shoes, relive a rather odd moment,
Unremarkable, to be sure, but not one soon to be forgotten

Another day of groceries, stay-at-home duties ain’t one big jamboree,
Still workin’, not just chillin’, when the kids are home it’s pure insanity,
Headed out early before the place lit up like a college party,
Found a good parking space, near the entrance, coveted by every harried shopper,
Got the essentials, fruits, veg, grains, meats and the necessary condiments,
Got a house full of eaters, kids are growing and don’t get me started on my husband,
Forty-five spent traipsing through the aisles, checkin’ sales and clearances,
Lined up at the check-out, took care of business and feeling triumphant,
Pushed the trolley towards the car, parking lot’s full and I’ve been spotted,
An eagle-eyed driver’s ghosting to take my spot, waiting to pounce like a lion,
Put all the bags in the back then drove outta there and that was that,
More cars are coming like the peak of the school run, parking lot’s about to get a lot more fun.

Reached a set of lights about five minutes from home,
Quickly turned red and stayed that way for much longer than the norm,
Another car ahead of me, several behind lined up like train carriages,
Taking deep breaths and wondering why this red’s taking ages,
Finally turned green, gotta head home to fix lunch and dinner,
But the fool out front’s stuck in unexplained inertia,
One second passes, no movement, two and three go by,
Four then five, dude’s still napping, time to give the ol’ horn a try,
Blasted it hard, others followed suit, louder than a 21-Gun Salute,
He snaps out the trance in shock, jumps up and throws his hands up,
His left clutching a dirty magazine, had a half-naked temptress featured on the cover,
Well that explains why that fool’s focus went straight under,
Quick as a rocket, fuelled by shame he revs up the engine,
Gunned that ride hard, high tailed it like he was Louis Hamilton,
Some folks are loco but gotta give him points for honesty,
Reached home, finally, that hour seemed to go smoothly.

There you have it, another random blast from the past,
Still has me laughing now, even if Momma was the one that witnessed it,
So next time you’re stuck in traffic, Son,
Trapped behind some chump that refuses to budge,
Give ‘em a honk and you just might see that they are off with the fairies at some other place that they’d rather be.

I don’t watch TV now as much as I did as a kid, during the years when The Simpsons was still the best damn show on the tube, Ross and Rachel were trying to wrap their heads around what being ‘on a break’ meant and Kenny was meeting his maker in a variety of truly twisted ways but if there’s one thing that I’ve noticed on the rare occasion that I tune in now it’s that the quality of TV ads seem to have plummeted faster than whatever credibility Ja Rule had left following the Fyre debacle. I hate to sound like an old-timer but back in my day TV ads were far more memorable and some even reached iconic status and quite frankly I don’t see any of that happening with many of the commercials circulating on the airwaves lately.

No disrespect intended towards anyone. Save the hate mail for another day.

Four ads from my youth and teenage years come to mind when I think about the most memorable TV commercials that I’ve ever seen, the first being two old TV commercials for Tim Tams that made the rounds on TV during the 1990s. Back then, Tim Tam ads normally involved a muscular, dark-skinned male genie or magician summoning a pack of Tim Tams to satisfy their co-star’s sweet tooth and if said co-star happens to be a woman he will usually share the chocolates with her in a rather seductive and intimate manner. Woe be to her significant other if she happened to have one because that poor guy is usually made to be some type of sacrificial lamb, hilariously vanquished at the woman’s request before she and that hot, strong hunk of burning love (I can’t believe I wrote that!) are free to share the biscuits together.

A hunky black male in a rather sensual and provocative advertisement for chocolate? Geez! No points for guessing for which audience those ads were geared towards.

The first ad involved a young couple sharing a pack of Tim Tams together and stumbling upon a genie’s lamp that is rubbed by the man, awakening a genie decked out in black robe and cap plus a gold neck chain and earrings, giving him the appearance of an African prince. The man immediately surmises that they are both entitled to three wishes and so he rather abruptly commands the genie to set him up on a date with 90s It Girl Kimberley Davies, prompting the genie to summon her from out of thin air. Kim then rudely snatches the last Tim Tam from the pack held by the girl, causing her to spitefully wish that she and her now ex-boyfriend ‘take a hike’ and so the genie instantly banishes them both. Now alone with the girl, and perhaps sensing that she will wish for his freedom the way Aladdin did for the genie at the end of the Disney film and then perhaps a date, the genie smiles as the girl prepares to make a third and final wish. Much to his chagrin, it is simply for a never-ending pack of Tim Tams.

Maybe next time, Bud.

The second Tim Tam ad was for Tim Tam Fingers, a thinner variation of their famous chocolate biscuit – and one that would most likely be banned if it was in circulation on TV screens today. In this ad a girl and a shirtless and muscular magician are seductively sharing a pack of Tim Tam fingers that he had summoned from out of thin air. Just as things are about to head towards the early stages of foreplay between the pair they are suddenly interrupted by the girl’s livid ex-boyfriend (who was most likely banished in an earlier ad that I might have missed), who returns home dressed in full Siberian gear after having spent the last year or so exiled in Vladivostok. Finding his now-ex being flirty with the magician (who, in this ad, resembles a young David Haye), he sarcastically tells her (or rather, shouts at her) that Vladivostok was a blast and then, upon spotting the Tim Tam fingers, takes one and angrily bites into it while asking, ‘So what is going on here? And since when did Tim Tams come in fingers!?’

My young, dumb self might have been too naïve to catch onto the sexual connotations in those ads back then but I still remember them today. Well played, y’all. Well played!

Another ad that I remember is a commercial for Rolos chocolates that circulated on the screens in 1995. The first half of the commercial is set in bygone years (probably the 1960’s) and in it, a young boy is taking a stroll through a zoo while chomping on some Rolos when he spots an elephant calf following its mother as they wander about in their enclosure. With a mischievous twinkle in his eye he approaches the enclosure and tempts the calf by holding out one of the chocolates. Just as the calf is about to take it into its trunk the boy suddenly shoves it into his mouth before taunting the dejected calf.
The second half projects to the present day. The boy, now a man, is watching a circus street parade while chewing on Rolos when he feels a tap on his shoulder. Upon turning his head a massive elephant’s trunk swats him across the face, comically knocking him to the ground dazed and confused. The elephant, an adult version of the calf that he had taunted many years before, mockingly roars in his direction before marching on with the rest of the parade.

The tagline for that ad? ‘Rolos….too good to share.’ Bravo, message received and many laughs had. Extra points, too, for playing on the ‘elephants never forget’ saying.

The third ad was one for Heinz baked beans from 1996. In it, a teenager and his younger brother are home alone for the night and the older brother is preparing a late afternoon snack for them both while also chatting on the phone to his girlfriend (side note: he was talking to her through a chordless landline, not a cellphone. It was the 1990s and so cellphones were still reserved for professionals and rich folks). As he is speaking his brother is sitting on the dining table, bored out of his mind to the point where he thinks that his brother is speaking to him.
Big Brother tells his girlfriend, “I was thinking of making something special for dinner tonight.”
Little Brother, believing that Big Brother was addressing him, responds with, “Cool, what is it?”
Big Brother then places a bowl of baked beans with sausages on the table. An excited Little Brother exclaims, “Heinz Baked Beans with sausages? How special is that!?”
Big brother continues to talk on the phone as he places a bowl of baked beans with meatballs on the table. Little Brother’s eyes light up even brighter.
“Heinz Baked Beans with meatballs too!? Um, which one is mine?”
Big Brother, on the phone with his girlfriend, tells her, “Oh I don’t mind we can share.”
Little Brother, still thinking that his brother is addressing him, asks “can I have both of them?”
Big Brother, on the phone, responds to a random question from his girlfriend with “Um, YEP, SURE THING!”
That was all that Little Brother needed to hear. He begins eating from both bowls as his brother wraps up the phone conversation. Big Brother then snatches one of the bowls from Little Brother and angrily asks, “What are you doing, you pig!?”

Absolutely hilarious!

And I feel hungry for a bowl of beans every time I watch it, too.

The fourth and final ad is for McDonalds that I recall from my high school years, in the years 2000 or 2001. In it, Ronald McDonald is a participant in a karate class with a group of children and the Sensei presents him with three tests; the first is to break a board, which he accomplishes by flying towards the board as though he is going to kick it but instead flicking it in half with his finger. The next is to ‘crack the code’, which involved rearranging magnetic letters on a whiteboard to spell ‘McDonalds,’ and then finally to crack some walnuts which he accomplishes by picking up the nuts with nutcrackers in each hand and wielding them around while whooping and hollering as though he were Bruce Lee playing with nunchucks before cracking the walnuts open.
Yeah, that one always had me in stitches but I did also wonder how Ronnie could have scored a pass when he clearly cheated on the last test.

Me thinks Sensei is running a McDojo.

There were many other ads that I remember fondly other than the four I’d mentioned, a list of ‘honorable mentions’ if you will. Decore shampoo and conditioner and The Good Guys sampled the hit songs ‘YMCA’ and ‘Good Vibrations’, respectively, for their TV ads back in the day. Austalian Bananas came up with a catchy tune that promoted the golden fruit as ‘Making Bodies Sing’. Yellow Pages added the catchphrase ‘Not HAPPY, JAN’ into the Australian vernacular. The ad for M&M’s have evolved from involving a duo of anthrophomorphic Red and Yellow M&Ms trying to avoid being eaten by humans to the pair and their different colored friends still on the run from those monstrous humans, and after all these decades the ads for Aeroplane Jelly and Vegemite from way before my time, as well as their catchy songs, have not faded from the public’s consciousness. Not all may remember the lyrics to the songs but ask just about any grown Australian adult (even from Generation Y) about the ad for Aeroplane Jelly or Vegemite and more often than not they will know exactly what you are referring to.
Such is the power of effective TV advertisements. When done correctly they not only effectively promote the product and grab people’s attention but they can also become synonymous with the brand, withstand the test of time and even go all the way to reach iconic status.

That’s the way you build a lasting legacy, Kids.

Which brings us back to TV ads today and my earlier statements regarding a regression in quality is hammered hard into my ears whenever I see – or rather, hear – the TV ad for Allianz Car Insurance. To summarize, the ad informs their audience that their comprehensive car insurance will ‘guarantee all authorized repairs.’ The ad then shows a mechanic handing a woman back the keys to her vehicle, now fixed and restored to good-as-new. The mechanic happily informs her that she is ‘good to go.’
‘Looks great,’ she responds.
That’s when all hell breaks loose.
As he gives her back her keys, the mechanic breaks out into a long, drawn, irritating chorus of ‘AAAAAAHHHHHHHH……’ and is soon joined by his fellow mechanics as though they were singing the opening notes of a Broadway musical. Shoot, even the damn dog in the calendar on the wall joins in.
Once everyone has shut the hell up the woman simply responds with ‘thanks’ before driving off satisfied.

Why the long chorus of ‘AAAAAHHHHH…..’ you ask? Well, it’s because the tagline is that their satisfied customers will get that ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAA….llianz feeling’ and well, you can too.

Bullshit. The only reaction I get is “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH…….SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!”

Nothing against the company but yeah, I’m sorry, they lost me with that ad. When your commercials causes one to squirm uncomfortably on the spot as though they are listening to a long, drawn out recording of nails scratching on a blackboard you need to have a good look at yourselves. If they wanted to give that ad more pizazz they should have allowed that ‘AAAAAAHHHHH…..’ to go somewhere beyond sheer infernal noise, maybe into a revised rendition of the opening number for ‘OKLAHOMA’ with lyrics that are geared towards Allianz and the services that they offer. They could have turned the mechanic’s garage into a glittering stage with choreography and dance moves from the mechanics and the satisfied client thrown into the mix.
Hell, even that dog from the calendar could have come to life, leaped out from the wall and then ran around the set in circles. Everyone loves a good dog!
The musical number can end with everyone in some sort of post-dance pose, a position everyone holds for about two seconds before the customer breaks character, thanks the mechanics before driving off. At this point the mechanics and staff are still posing and someone randomly asks “can we relax now?”
“Ok, everyone, back to work” someone responds from the back.
The mechanics then break their poses and resumes their normal duties, thus ending the ad.
THAT would have been a kick-ass advertisement. Cheesy as hell but still a lot more fun than the one that they have on air right now.

Ads like that always have me wondering at what point did the trains run off the rails. I don’t know about y’all but to me, most TV ads today seem over-produced, at times over-acted and there is a lack of memorable taglines and slogans. There has also been a decline in catchy songs, jingles and jokes (although the jingle for the Vodafone ad gets stuck in my head for days whenever I hear it so there’s an exception) and in the case of that Allianz ad, just too weird and irritating although I have to give them points for being unforgettable in some way. I don’t work in the advertising sector but I do know that how a customer reacts to advertisements is kind of a big deal and this is especially important for TV ads as they have a very wide reach and so are an effective way to draw more customers into a business, kind of like casting a wide net out into the ocean to reel in more fish rather than just relying on boring old fishing lines. Even if you attract customers strictly because of the ads that they watched on TV, well, that’s still more money for the business, mission accomplished. You just need to not mess that shit up by following through with what you promised.

Nobody likes a con artist.

You know, my mother used to babysit our family friends’ children when my sister and I were young. What did she say in exasperation whenever they truly acted the fool?
“I think you guys should stop eating too many bananas. It’s making your body sing too much.”
Anyone that has seen the old commercial for Australian Bananas would know exactly what she was referring to and such a line only made them – plus my sister and I – laugh our heads off. If that’s not effective marketing then I don’t know what is.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that each and every recent TV advertisement sucks. There are some currently on the airwaves that are quite entertaining and three in particular stand out for me. The AAMI Insurance ad that involved a man, his girlfriend and best friend returning home from a concert only to find that thieves had made off with his beloved wall-mounted moose head always cracks me up. Those Compare The Market ads featuring Alexandr The Meerkat are usually quite hilarious even if Alexandr’s Russian accent seems to fade more and more with each ad and that Dare Iced Coffee ad featuring a new father contemplating on naming his newborn son ‘Callum Murray’ before he comes to his senses thanks to the coffee has me giggling and shaking my head in disbelief.

Why do I appreciate these ads? Well, to me they are beautifully acted, funny and had gimmicks to play off of. The protagonist in that AAMI ad was spot on with his facial expressions and reactions throughout, from when he was showing off the moose head to his friend, his wide-eyed shock upon his girlfriend informing him that they’d been robbed all the way to his joyful, Christmas-came-early reaction when an AAMI Insurance spokeswoman shows up at the front door with a replacement moose head. It also helped that he resembled a shorter, chunkier version of Borat, further upping his standing in the ‘funny-looking-dudes’ stakes.
As for Compare The Market, a Russian meerkat as a mascot? Geez, that’s random, who would have ever thought of that!? Combine that with his funny voice and a snappy script (although some of the ads are admittedly kinda corny) and you have an ad with some punch.
That Dare Iced Coffee ad was most likely a jab at celebrities that shamelessly give their children stupid names but also serves as a warning as to what can happen if one makes important decisions while their mind and focus are clouded (in this case, sleepwalking through the day and in dire need of a caffeine hit). The father in the ad (we’ll call him ‘Mr. Murray) thinks of several possible scenarios that can occur for his newborn son in the future with a name like ‘Callum Murray’, including one in which he is pulled over by the police for speeding and another in which his bride laughs in his face upon mentioning his name in her wedding vows. Somehow his mind never ventured towards the strange looks that poor Callum would have had to endure if he worked at a fish & chips shop. After taking a big gulp of the bottle of coffee in his hand Mr. Murray quickly wises up and chooses a more sensible name for his son.

Before closing I thought I’d also throw in a couple more ads for good measure, one that did the rounds on TV about ten or so years ago for the Australian beer brand Carlton Draught and a more recent one for Cadbury chocolates (man, what is it with chocolate ads?). For the Carlton Draught ad, all I have to say are four little words; It’s A Big Ad. Anyone that has seen that ad would know what I am talking about. Go ahead and type those words on YouTube you will find out why I thought it was memorable.
The Cadbury ad involved a young girl entering a corner stone while her single mother, who works long hours to make ends meet for them both, stands outside talking on her phone. This small, blue-eyed innocent little girl asks the rather gruff-looking man behind the counter for a block of chocolate and offers a single coin plus whatever small toys she happened to be carrying in her pockets as payment. The storeowner’s face remains as emotionless as an Easter Island statue as he looks outside and spots the mother talking on her phone but somewhere underneath that layer of menace his heart melts and he accepts the girl’s payment. She then happily runs outside and offers the chocolate to her mother as a birthday gift and they share a tender hug together as a smile finally breaks on the store owner’s face as he watches proudly from behind his counter.
The ad’s slogan? ‘There’s a glass and a half in everyone.’
Man, talk about a real feel-good ad. That one always brings a smile on my face even when I’m having a horrible day.

At the end of the day, this is just one man’s opinion and not everyone will agree. It’s cool, to each their own. But yeah, TV advertisements in general seem to have lost their way, at least compared to those from many years past. I say they should bring back the comedy, the musical numbers via song parodies if need be and of course, the catchy slogans. While there have been ads that were banned from the airwaves due to explicit content (I’m looking at you, KFC) companies shouldn’t be afraid to push boundaries like they did in the past (seriously, those Tim Tam ads were low-key dirty as fuck), nor should they be afraid to let their actors be as loud and quirky where applicable.
Be memorable in a good way. Make sure people remember what they saw and heard for a very long time.
Maybe if all of this happened with regularity then we’ll get more ads that will be remembered long after they’ve been aired.

‘There’s no easy way out, there’s no shortcut home’,
Sung by Robert Teper, real talk with the situation going on,
Sitting here in lockdown, the fast train of life screeched to a halt,
That damn monster’s prowling, that fucking virus, only Lord knows when it’ll stop,
Government ordered a lockdown, it’s risky just to head downtown,
Nationwide curfew threw life to a loop and it ain’t ending any time soon,
Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t whining and complaining,
This born introvert’s sitting, chilling, recharging and thriving,
Times are uncertain, though, can’t deny the presence of nerves,
Squinting and straining to see the future, it’s hazy behind the mist of this virus.

Rewind to Last December, bad news touched down from all directions,
Decade ending on Armageddon, surely, seemed like the world was headed for oblivion,
Spilled into 2020, kicked off in a cacophony of disasters,
Bushfires, drought, floods, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions,
Continuing unrest in Hong Kong, discord within the royals,

The death of a much-loved baller, innocent lives taken by a drunk driver, it’s one tragedy after another,
But they were merely appetizers before the main course,
A savage monster awoke, hit the air guns blazing, spread faster than bad gossip,
Plundered, pillaged, murdered and conquered like a demonic Alexander,
Brought about a new world order, killed more than Adolf, Josef, Idi and Saddam put together.

Watching and listening to this shit on TV and radio, Gotta stay informed but can’t be passive with these media reports.
Facts and sensationalism can intertwine, conspiracy theorists also fighting for air time,
Time travelled back to the years of plagues and wars, it’s a disaster flick in here and we’re all unwilling actors,
Made doubly persuasive by my vulnerability as the doctor be claimin’,
Embracing my inner hermit, on most days I’m keeping it together,
Strong on the surface, not all the way through, immortal words from Chester that rang true,
Nerves, disbelief and anger, throw in some cabin fever, I’m only human sometimes I’m feeling ‘em,
Dumbbells and punching bag be my best therapists under moments of extreme turbulence,
Fresh air, sunlight, music and books as back up when the mind continues stressin’.

Reflecting while meditating to keep the grip of negativity loosened,
Reviewing the situation like Fagin, thinking ‘bout the people affected,
The death toll surpassing millions, condolences to those hit by losses,
Can’t give the departed their proper send-off, such is the cruelty of that fucking monster,
Jobs lost, schools closed, daily life halted, travel plans and celebrations cancelled, all that planning and anticipation came to nothing,
People stuck indoors, that monster poisoned the outdoors, cops gon’ get you for wandering too far,
Feels like Big Bro’s watching, Orwell was 36 off the mark,
Social and economic status don’t mean shit, kings, queens, paupers and commoners are feeling it,
Feelings of superiority are a fool’s errand, the entire population’s a sitting target.

Tough times exposing true colors, the good and the bad,
Masks and facades slippin’ as that monster continued its destructive path,
Stupid selfish morons clearing supermarket shelves like feds on a drug bust,
Left nothing for the disadvantaged as common sense and dignity bit the dust,
Racists and xenophobes emerged from their holes, Asians seen as the enemy,
“Don’t matter where they’re from, they a part of that monster’s army,”
Words of the bigots jacked up on fear and ignorance,
On the same boat as the ones flouting orders ‘cuz they’re too good for isolation,
Body count’s rising, health care pushed to the limit, front liners are exhausted but these fools stay blinded and self-centred,
Degenerates attacking nurses, cops and customer servers, what low life wastes of oxygen,
Don’t wish death on no one but no tears shed if that monster fades ‘em, they will surely deserve it,
Newsflash, fools, we’re all caught in this mess,
Y’all are part of the problem and not the solution, hatin’ and floutin’ will only hamper progress.

But not all are broken, there are heroes within the chaos,
Restoring faith in humanity, the whole race ain’t yet crushed by the obnoxious,
Led by the doctors and nurses and all others in the front line,
Risking it all to help others, it’s tough and it’s lonely but still keeping up the grind,
Scientists around the world working to bring that monster to justice,
Time’s ticking but they march on fuelled by a warrior’s stoicism and defiance,
Acts of kindness from citizens, they ain’t hard to find, from helping the weary and burdened to sparing a few dimes,
Others in lockdown unleashing their inner entertainers, delving deep into their creativity,
Slick and at times kinda cringy but always has the audience cheering vociferously,
Families come together for an extended period, it’s a full house situation,
Kids still need educating, reluctantly or willingly, parents forced into a crash course in teaching,
The lost and soul-searching can find their paths, gotta grab it with both hands,
All distractions cancelled, time to chase the dream, no more excuses,
Working from home as best we could, no need to get up early,
Changes are happening outside, this you have to see,
Nature’s finally healing, where it was once deteriorating,
Smog is lifted, the air is clear, the stars in the night sky are twinkling,
What a role reversal, humanity’s suffering while nature is thriving,
Rivers clearing up, translucent and crystal-like under that sun,
The rain’s finally pouring, fields finally sporting green, like a new season had just begun,
Can’t call that monster a blessing but there’s some good within the pandemic,
For every dark night the moon still shines, seek and you shall find.

2020 looks headed for the pits, can’t wait ‘til it’s over with,
Stronger minds see a gut check, life’s meaningless without overcoming adversity,
Can’t get hung up on shit I can’t control, when you’re stressin’ you’re weakening,
Strong mind and body, faith and positivity be my own Shield of Achilles,
Got hopes for the future once that monster’s finally eradicated,
Reunion with friends and fam are just the tip of the iceberg,
That shit don’t hit the fan once the powers start blame games and finger pointing,
Don’t want leaders going ballistic, it could take us back to forty-five, don’t want or need that kind of strife,
That personal hygiene will remain a priority, that Mother Nature will be respected,
That the scourges of society will be dealt with, put an end to their bullshit,
That freedom and precious time with loved ones will never again be taken for granted,
That we’ll be kinder and more understanding, everyone’s fighting their own battles,
That the affected can heal from tragedy and trauma before rising back up stronger,
That the heroes throughout will be rewarded for their efforts,
2020 looks like another annus horribilis, but from that fire emerges a new generation of warriors,
This is one for the history books, another story to tell the future generations,
Exhaling now, eyes open, all things come to pass including tough times,
We’ll get through this, that monster won’t last, even the fiercest tyrants fade away and die.

He is my hero, idol, confidant and guide,
That’s my big brother, just an all-round cool guy,
Dropped some truths in between small talk and acting the fool,
Had our share of scuffles but in the end we’re always cool,
He had him a little secret, became a master at hiding it,
Struggled plenty to contain it, reduced his soul to easy pickings,
It all started at 15, the unknown force creepin’ and spreadin’ quickly,
Caught up in a power struggle between madness and sanity,
He radiated sunshine and happiness on the surface,
Masked the dreaded feelings of self-loathing and hopelessness,
External forces played their role but most of it’s internal,
Ain’t no battle tougher than one with the man in the mirror,
Couldn’t do it alone, finally opened up to the parents then the therapist,
Many sessions later, he seemed to have finally tamed those demons.

Fast forward to a few years later, now I’m the one fighting,
The beast was stealthy, infiltrated the fortress, guards must’ve been napping,
Grapplin’ with emotions from both ends of the extreme,
Muscles straining, carrying the weight of psychological fatigue,
On the edge about everything, drowning in nervous premonitions,
Also made-up scenarios and people staring like I’m a fuckin’ freak show,
Can’t trust anyone, got me feeling like a convict on the run,
Tired of looking over my shoulder, this anxiety shit is no fun,
Then some days I’m wondering why bother? Fuck everyone and everything,
A herculean effort’s required to keep going, every step of the way my feet are dragging,
The sky’s bright outside but I only see grey, can’t hear the sound of birds chirping,
This empty void of silence is all-consuming, at times accompanied by muffled screaming,
A prisoner of my own mind, it’s real fucked-up, ain’t it?
Don’t care if the Minotaur kills me, just want out of this labyrinth.

Tried to kill it my own way, through productive and destructive means,
Physical scars, rhymes and works of art the result from venting my spleen,
Still standing somehow, I guess I chose life in the midst of the chaos,
Took the same path as Big Bro and consulted with the pros,
Skittish as a baby deer at first, felt like I was regurgitating in their faces,
But the contents of this bottle are fermented, it’s been sealed for ages,
Time to uncap it, it’s on the verge of explosion, brace yourself here come the confessions.

Back to the present now I’m thriving where I was once surviving,
Can’t say there’s total healing, that’s tantamount to wishful thinking,
Want to part ways with this motherfucker, keep it buried forever,
‘Don’t get your hopes up,’ said Big Bro, ‘the war don’t end for us soldiers,’
That black dog’s still within him, just been slapped with a restraining order,
Might still breach it now and then, that canine defies restrictions,
Hard work, grit and determination, it’s a winning combination,
But the lows must come with the highs, the bright sun won’t always rise,
Perfectly articulated by Kurt, about the irony of all this hurt,
‘I miss the comfort in being sad’, he sang, now Bro’s eyes are tearing up,
Must’ve hit close to home, that oxymoron’s next-level fucked up

Can’t let those lyrics become life, Big Bro warned me to stay woke,
Can’t let the guard down or I’ll end up getting yoked,
‘Therapy will help you, but that beast might never leave you,’
‘Y’all are together for life, like some dysfunctional husband and wife,’
Talk about unholy matrimony but that shit was real spit,
Battled this curse for so long, feels like I’d be naked without it,
Uneasy under the sunshine where the children play, it’s a strange land to which I’m an alien,
In the deep levels of hell and suffering somehow feels like I’m in my element,
There’s still some reliance on that beast, yeah I know that sounds twisted,
Hate to compare it to codependency, but somehow it seems fitting,
It’s a part of my identity, who would I be if it was stripped off completely?
Grateful to experience the glow of happiness, yet the embrace of melancholy brings familiarity,
Maybe I don’t know better, I want to believe I can change,
Working hard day after day but I don’t know how long that’ll take.

“Not all will understand,” warned Big Bro, “They’ll say you’re hung up on some bullshit,”
“That it’s all in your head, suck it up and be done with it,”
“They don’t know what treacherous waters you’d navigated, always so quick to judge,”
“Focus only on yourself, don’t let ‘em bother you too much,”
Lucky to have a battle-tested vet by my side, likewise he know that he’s my ride or die,
Working together to be better than yesterday, we’ll get through this for as long as it takes,
Hopeful of breaking out of that bitter embrace and heading towards better days.

At the time of writing (in early 2020), my health has continued to improve and the ulcerative colitis hasn’t found a way back from remission. My haemoglobin levels were healthy once more, my weight on point and according to friends, family and my doctors, I was the picture of good health and vigor.
So it would seem that I’d been restored back to normal and rode off into the sunset in a flashy convertible but such wasn’t exactly the case. Not long after my January 2019 meeting with Dr. B a new challenger had stepped into the arena. This new challenger saddled me with floaters in the vision of my left eye, some subtle blurriness in my peripheral vision and a general feeling of irritation in the back of the eye, as though something – or someone – was tinkering around with the veins and nerves within. My watershed moment arrived when, sometime during the following month, I went to have my glasses upgraded which involved having to sit down for an eye test. The test results of my left eye revealed that while my vision had somehow improved (yay!) there was plenty of hemorrhaging within.

Uh-oh…….

The optometrist that tested my eyes ordered me to see an ophthalmologist and upon doing so, I was diagnosed with Central Retinal Vein Occlusion (CRVO for short) in my left eye. The central vein in my eye had become blocked, causing blood and fluid to leak into my retina and messed up my vision as a result. According to the ophthalmologist (let’s call him ‘Dr. Q’) it is a common eye disorder for people aged fifty and over with health conditions like hypertension, diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol and that cases among people my age in rather good health were extremely rare. I could only shake my head in disbelief upon hearing all of this, feeling betrayed by my own body all over again.

First colitis and now this shit? Man, what the fuck!?

The icing on the cake was when Dr. Q informed me that the treatment involved directly injecting some medicine into the affected eye that would ease the blockage and prevent the development of new veins that, while it would have kept the blood circulating through my eye, would have corrupted everything within, resulting in glaucoma or some other insidious eye disorder that could rob me of my sight. According to Dr. Q the blockage in my eye was serious enough to warrant a prompt injection, which he offered for free. I was naturally apprehensive about the idea of having a needle jammed into my eye but I was far less keen on the idea of losing my vision and Dr. Q had promised me that I would not feel anything. Might as well endure a minute or two of terror and discomfort rather than lose an eye.

Ok, Doc. Bring it on!

True to his word, Dr. Q numbed my eye with painkillers and eye drops multiple times over before driving the needle through. The procedure went ahead with no issues and pain but no amount of painkillers could spare my left eye from mutating into an ugly, bloodshot shade of red afterwards that Dr. Q assured me was not uncommon, merely a case of burst blood vessels that would heal in two weeks at most. I walked around with my eyes at half-mast behind my spectacles over the next fortnight to hide my mutated eye but I couldn’t keep it up forever. My parents and sister damn near jumped back in horror when they first looked me in the eyes post-injection, as did some of my peers at the Wing Chun Academy. Shoot, even Dr. G was startled at the appearance of my eye during a meeting with her one week later and I’m sure that she has seen and heard plenty of haunting and disturbing cases throughout her work as a general practitioner. I can’t say that I could fault any of them for their reactions, even I felt disgusted whenever I looked at my eye in the mirror. I looked like Kano from the Mortal Kombat series.

In addition to the jab in the eye Dr. Q also requested that I undergo a blood test and MRI in order to rule out other ailments within my body as possible cause(s) of that damn CRVO, both of which I did a week after meeting with Dr. G. Fortunately, the MRI found no irregularities in my body save for the swelling in the central vein of my bad eye while the blood test confirmed that my blood, cholesterol and hormones were top notch. I was healthy as a horse and it also confirmed that the medication I was taking for the colitis hadn’t set off a chain of nefarious activities within my body, much to my relief. Upon discussing my results with Dr. Q a few weeks later he tentatively cited my recent colitis battle as a probable cause, a residual effect if you will, although it wasn’t a definitive conclusion. He seemed just as perplexed as Dr. B had been when my father grilled him as to how I could have possibly been struck by colitis.
So within the space of a year and a few months I, a proud man that had vowed a long time ago that he wouldn’t see the inside of a hospital as a patient, had undergone a blood transfusion, colonoscopy, iron infusion, MRI, eye injection and more blood tests than I can count all because I’d been diagnosed with two sucky ailments that seemed to be the result of sheer bad luck and my body’s betrayal more than anything.

Someone’s out to get me.

That was the first of many more eye injections to come. My eyesight has since continued to improve and Dr. Q has gradually spaced out my injections with the goal of eventually weaning me off the treatment and I am confident that it will be all over soon.

Fortunately, it was more good news on the colitis front.

During my follow-up with Dr. B in June 2019 (on the day before my mother’s birthday, actually) he revealed that not only were my bowels in great condition but that I was also, statistically, the healthiest patient that he had. If you thought that I was a happy camper following the January meeting you should have seen the smile on my face after this one, it was wider than The Grand Canyon and the same could be said of my father’s. Sure, being told that my bowels were healthy was great but it was an unbelievable feeling to be told that among what I assumed was a rather sizeable list of patients, I was the healthiest one.
The top dog.
The head honcho.
The Don.

That’s right, get a load of me! I am the KING!!!!

But just when I thought I could finally let go of these chains and fly high into the sky like a bird, I fell back down to earth with a mighty thud.  
Shortly before my father and I departed Dr. B’s office he asked me a question that I had a feeling he’d ask sooner or later but was silently hoping he wouldn’t;
“When was your last colonoscopy?”
Fuck….where’s he going with this!?
“August of last year,” I replied, the nerves within beginning to stir from their extended hibernation.
“Ah yes….”
Dr. B took a deep breath before giving me a thoughtful look that, to be honest, made me rather nervous. For a split second he looked like a movie villain sitting behind his desk, peering through hands that were clasped right in front of his face, elbows resting on the table. What followed afterwards almost caused my heart to fall out of my ass.
“I think it might be time for a follow-up”, he said rather monotonously.
“Ok,” was all I could utter in response, wide-eyed as I tried to digest the fact that, months from now, I would have to go through that colonoscopy prep again though I did take comfort in the fact that I knew exactly what to expect and was hopeful that perhaps the prep will run smoothly this time as I would be in far better health.

We booked the procedure for early November and once D-Day had arrived following a rather easy prep the night before (yay!) my parents and I drove to the Lakeview Private Hospital, located not far from Dr. B’s clinic, for round two. Dr. B was already waiting in the operating room when they wheeled me in, dressed in his gown, mask and scrubs. Following an exchange of pleasantries he remarked that my arms looked muscular compared to the previous year.
“Oh, thank you,” I chuckled.
If he had said that to take some of the edge off it worked perfectly. The anesthetic kicked in not long after and before I knew it, I was waking up on the other side of the room from my medically-induced nap, feeling as though a building had collapsed on me.

I was chowing down on my post-colonoscopy meal when a nurse approached me to give a quick rundown of my results but first, she quickly explained that Dr. B had left before I had regained consciousness due to an extremely tight schedule and had asked her to discuss the results with me before making a mad dash back to his office. I would later find out upon e-mailing him when I arrived home that there had also been a power outage in the suburb where his practice was located, further exacerbating what appeared to be an extremely stressful day for him.
One of those days, huh?
Anyway, I am pleased to say that the nurse had good news for me and uttered the words that I’d been longing to hear for a long time.

“I’m glad to confirm that the colitis appears to be in complete remission,” she disclosed, a smile forming on her face

I almost choked on my sandwich. Had I not been groggy from the procedure and the lack of food and water I might have shot straight up from out of my chair and performed cartwheels around the room. At last, victory has been achieved!

YEAH BABY!!!!

“Thank you, Ma’am,” I replied, barely containing my glee, “I’m glad to hear that.”
“Dr. B says to maintain your dosages for the Imuran and Mezavant for now and to call him ASAP to book a follow-up appointment in six months’ time.”
“Ok, sounds good, thank you.”
“Well done again, Sir, on getting to this point.”
Ok, so my dosages weren’t reduced just yet but the confirmation of remission was still a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. Dr. B had mentioned during a previous meeting that there was a very real possibility that I may need to undergo a colonoscopy once a year for the rest of my life to keep my bowels in check and as sucky as that sounds, if that’s what it will take to keep the beast dead and buried forever then so be it.

You know, my mother told me not too long ago that, during a conversation she had with my father one day, he marveled to her how things always seem to work out for my sister and I whenever we run into a spot of bother. Sure, we experience our fair share of bad days and horrible situations but we would always manage to claw our way out of it relatively unscathed no matter how badly shit hit the proverbial fan. I put that down to our parents raising us both to always try to find a solution for every problem and also to stick it out during tough times but for me personally, I would say that my sense of humor also helped me navigate through the fiercest of storms and this ulcerative colitis battle was no different. Whenever I felt like punching walls in anger frustration I would think to myself, “Go on, tough guy. You finna kill that wall with your bare fists? Your sick ass prolly can’t punch through wet tissue paper right now!”
Whenever I felt like I was shitting out my entire digestive system from out my ass as those painful waves of cramps attacked during sessions on that porcelain throne I thought, “Oh bloody hell….literally!” or “2018 sure is turning out to be an annus horribillis – remove one of those N’s if you want to get literal!”
During my blood transfusion and then the first colonoscopy it was, “Heh, so this is what this feels like,” and in the case of the latter, “Ok, at least I’ll be a colonoscopy veteran once I am eligible for bowel cancer screenings”.

You’re probably also wondering if there are days where I find myself beaten down with fears that the colitis would return with a vengeance and perhaps evolve into an even greater monster like bowel cancer or toxic megacolon (go ahead and Google that one. It’s as frightening as it sounds). The thought does cross my mind every now and then, I can’t lie, but the belief that this body is strong enough to keep the disease at bay for good far outweighs any fears of relapse. At the worst of times, however, that same mind sometimes takes things to extremely frightening levels;
What if life decides to really fuck with you and slaps you with a cancer diagnosis or Motor Neuron Disease or anything else that threatened your ability to function and, perhaps, your life, forcing you to undergo tremendous, downright fucked-up levels of prolonged suffering before you finally take your last, agonized breath? You ain’t invincible, Buddy, and life can be a fucking jerk.
That fucking brain of mine, I swear to God. I’m fairly certain that I wrote somewhere in a past chapter that while my strength of mind has been a major ally of mine during hard times it does turn on me on other days. Consider this to be one of those moments where I wanted to rip the bastard from out my head and boot it all the way to Antarctica. To answer that twisted question, if I’m being brutally honest I can’t say I know for certain how I’d react to staring down such a grim diagnosis. As Mike Tyson once quoted, ‘Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face’. It’s easy to say that I’d fight back and win like I did before and I do believe that I would but truthfully I don’t think I’d know unless it happened for real and obviously, I hope I never find out.

Just as it seemed as though my head would explode from drowning in all of this shit my inner drill-sergeant sprang into action.
God dammit, why are you doing this to yourself!? Why are you wasting your time with these bullshit thoughts????
Good question. Why the hell was I flagellating myself like this? The weather looked nice outside and here I was sitting indoors working myself into an anxious mess.
Fuck living like Howard Hughes, I’ma head out.
I quickly hopped off the couch and headed out to the backyard and into the mid-morning sun to clear my mind. The morning dew on the grass glistened like tiny shards of glass, the leaves on the various fruit trees and plants that my father and I had planted and cultivated over the years shone a bright fresh green and the sky above could have easily doubled as the wallpaper of a baby’s bedroom, a resplendent blue populated by fluffy white clouds that resembled cotton candy. It had rained rather hard over the past couple of weeks and so the air was crisp and clean, seemingly immune from the fumes of passing cars.

My father, very much looking the part of a farmer with his sombrero, boots, shorts and old work shirt, was kneeling beside some of his shrubs and sorting through trays full of his latest harvest while my mother was inside the house taking a breather from morning chores and watching the news on TV. My father looked up at me with a big grin on his face as I approached him. He stood up and practically shoved the trays into my face.
“Check these out. Know what they are?”
“Erm….”
Geez, Pops, we have so many herbs and plants in this yard that it’s hard to keep track!
He gave me a few seconds to guess the contents of his trays before revealing that they were lettuce, basil, coriander, and parsley.
“Ah ok, cool.”
He then marched triumphantly into the house like a returning war hero as I began to wander around the yard like a chicken on a farm, once again alone with my thoughts but this time the dark clouds of anxiety were replaced by the bright blue skies of positivity. Where I was previously disappointing the ghosts of Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus in addition to other followers of Stoicism by fretting over scenarios in my mind that may never happen I was now basking in the knowledge that I had proven to myself during The Great Colitis Battle of 2018 that I did have some semblance of spirit, fortitude and toughness within me. We all go through trials and tests in life, clichéd as it sounds, and some tests will call on us to dig deeper than ever before. Of course, some have it far worse than others and that is not an excuse to minimize one another’s struggles. Everyone is fighting a battle that others are not privy to therefore we should all strive to be good to one other.

Me myself, I can’t claim to have been a graduate of the School Of Hard Knocks so maybe I needed to go through this journey in order to find out how I would react when I was thrown into the battlefield against a formidable enemy and I remain proud of never surrendering and fighting back to ultimately come out on top. Given the nature of ulcerative colitis, how the cause and cure are currently unknown and that some sufferers do experience relapses and the bleak possibility of a partial or total colectomy, I understood that anxiety may pop up from time to time but I was ultimately responsible for how I chose to live with it and there was no way in hell that I was going to waste my time – no, my life – sweating bullets. Living scared and paranoid would only weaken the body and encourage the beast to reawaken so I might as well keep myself strong physically AND mentally in order to prevent a reincarnation of sorts.
Count your blessings rather than your misfortunes, Kid. Warriors don’t live scared. 
But I couldn’t do it all alone. My family, friends and doctors definitely deserve all the credit and respect in the world for helping me get through it and pulling me out of the hole whenever I stumbled. It was my parents that encouraged me to see Dr. G when I finally came clean about my symptoms and it was Dr. G who introduced me to Dr. B and he more than lived up to the positive reviews that I read about him on Google. Yes, I know that it seems rather stupid on my part to wait until he was finally available to treat me, which took about a month and in the process allowed my symptoms to intensify, but I have no regrets over that. I wouldn’t have trusted anyone else to carry out a rather sensitive procedure on me and to this day, he and Dr. G continue to look out for me and make sure that my health remains at top notch.
Hell, Dr. Q is also familiar with Dr. G so thank God that, somehow, the optometrist sent me to him when he discovered an irregularity in my eye exam.
My sister visited every weekend to catch up with the family and to also make sure that her big bro was recovering just fine and my friends were also on hand to keep me from losing the plot, whether it was by sharing jokes, memes and stories from the world outside my home or just some good old-fashioned pep talk and virtual fist bumps and hugs. I couldn’t have asked for a better family and friends and thank God that I was treated by exceptional medical professionals.

I’m a lucky dude.

As for that other extreme scenario presented to me, all I can say is that I fought back from adversity before and I can do it again. And again. And as many times as I need to until they finally bury me in the dirt or spread my ashes over an ocean somewhere. To hell with being scared.

The morning dew soaked up my slippers as I walked through the wet grass, in turn also soaking my feet but I didn’t mind. I took deep breaths to lap in all of that fresh air as I admired the trees that sprouted from the wet soil and watched birds fly by, chattering as though they were discussing the daily lives of the strange humans in the big, fancy caves on the ground below.

It’s amazing, some of the memories that stay with you throughout your life. I’m not talking about those that had a profound impact and shaped your life as you know it. Rather, I am referring to the innocuous ones that may suddenly pop up into one’s mind many years later, leaving them wondering if it really happened or if it was just a dream. One such memory that I have is of an old cartoon that I watched on TV as a child. I never knew the title as I had stumbled upon it by chance while flicking channels one morning during the school holidays and my recollection of some of the scenes are rather hazy, but the way that it all unfolded is still clear in my mind.

The story begins with a beast of some sort passing by a complete stranger’s home during a morning stroll. I can’t quite recall if it was an anthropomorphic hippo, rhino, gorilla, bear or just some random monster conjured up by the artist, but he definitely wasn’t human. Having quickly surmised that no one is home he takes a quick peek inside through a window and spots an unguarded cake on the kitchen table, immediately triggering hunger pangs. He casually enters through the front door and devours the cake, enjoying every mouthful of it and if I remember correctly he then takes a page out of Goldilocks’ playbook and dozes off in the bedroom, having achieved food coma after scoffing that entire cake on his own.

Meanwhile the owner of the home, a creature similar to the intruder, returns to his humble abode following his own morning walk. He walks through the front door that he had failed to lock before leaving and was predictably furious upon discovering that a stranger had broken into his home and eaten his precious cake before sleeping on his bed. He immediately sets out to find the culprit, huffing and puffing with rage all the way.

Oooohhhh I’ma put hands on that fool!

Yeah well, serves you right for not locking up your house in the first place, buddy.

The hungry thief had conveniently left a trail of footprints in his wake as he fled into the surrounding forest and the homeowner follows the trail with vengeance on his mind and that brings us to the part that made me laugh as a child and is forever burned in my memory; The homeowner initially follows the trail on foot but sometime along the way, the footprints eventually became a trail of hand prints and the homeowner actually does a handstand and continues to follow the trail while walking on his hands! It then transitions into a combination of hand and footprints and so he drops down on all fours and bear-crawls the next few steps before the trail changes into single footprints that he hops along to as though he is playing hopscotch in the playground. The homeowner continues to follow this trail, his movements dictated by the prints before him, unaware that the thief is watching him from behind some bushes, laughing at the wild goose chase that he had set his patsy on while making him look ridiculous in the process. Talk about getting away with murder and then some.

And that was that. Following that short cartoon I switched off the TV and set off to play computer games. I never would have thought then, as a ten year old, that I’d still remember the best bits of some random cartoon that I ran into by chance many years later as a grown adult. The mind is quite an amazing thing, isn’t it? One thing’s for sure, that cartoon drilled home into my young mind the importance of keeping one’s home safe and secure. You just never know if or when some thief who is adept at walking on their hands and feet might be itching to steal something of yours.

Afternoon shift’s over, tired as hell and waiting for the train,
No more peak hour, gone are the wild crowds, spared me from needless pain,
Checked the time, it’s six-thirty in the early evening,
On a winter night too, zipped up the coat it’s so fucking freezing,
Paced up and down that platform, train’s coming in ten,
Commuters sat on benches reading, texting or just feeling zen,
Some standing and leaning on posts yawning, that shit’s contagious,
Had me following suit like a hippo chillin’ in the rivers,
Everyone dressed for the cold, wrapped up like urban eskimos,
All but one big fella sitting by his lonesome,
Dressed in singlet and shorts oblivious to the cold and in the mood for mayhem,
Looked like a seasoned guest of prisons, maybe solitary confinement,
Was more Carl Panzram than Mr. Rogers, abused all that wandered close,
The body was built for war, dude was looking swole,
Bulging pecs and biceps, legs and calves were poppin’
Big ol’ keg in the middle, dude must love a drink or ten,
Unnerved the station staff with those bloodshot eyes,
That stink-eye ‘bout to be tested, the cops had just arrived.

They happened to be at the station, staff probably been snitchin’,
Eyed him with a sense of familiarity, that rap sheet must be longer than the Yangtze,
Made their way to the hulking monolith, 120 kilos and not afraid to use it,
Onlookers held their collective breath, that beast is fixin’ for a killin,’
Smart move to come in a small group, gonna take multiple dudes to tackle this deranged fool,
His eyes met theirs before the questioning started,
What he’d been doing? Is he impaired? Why’s he raging and belligerent?
The answers are short, sharp and slurred, dude’s on the verge,
Slowly he stands, cops now seem unnerved,
Questions come in all directions, this guy’s ‘bout to lose it,
Answers fired maliciously, laced with profanities, his eyes bulging out their sockets,
Agitation reaches fever pitch, the monster starts swinging,
The pepper spray was more decisive, he couldn’t finish what he’d started,
It’s St Elmos fire on this guy’s eyes, plans for destruction just went belly-up,
Still took three men to keep him down long enough to cuff him up,
Back to the slammer for the big fella, so much for tastin’ freedom,
Train arrived not long after, took my seat as it pulled from the station.