Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge: Kurt’s Words

He is my hero, idol, confidant and guide,
That’s my big brother, just an all-round cool guy,
Dropped some truths in between small talk and acting the fool,
Had our share of scuffles but in the end we’re always cool,
He had him a little secret, became a master at hiding it,
Struggled plenty to contain it, reduced his soul to easy pickings,
It all started at 15, the unknown force creepin’ and spreadin’ quickly,
Caught up in a power struggle between madness and sanity,
He radiated sunshine and happiness on the surface,
Masked the dreaded feelings of self-loathing and hopelessness,
External forces played their role but most of it’s internal,
Ain’t no battle tougher than one with the man in the mirror,
Couldn’t do it alone, finally opened up to the parents then the therapist,
Many sessions later, he seemed to have finally tamed those demons.

Fast forward to a few years later, now I’m the one fighting,
The beast was stealthy, infiltrated the fortress, guards must’ve been napping,
Grapplin’ with emotions from both ends of the extreme,
Muscles straining, carrying the weight of psychological fatigue,
On the edge about everything, drowning in nervous premonitions,
Also made-up scenarios and people staring like I’m a fuckin’ freak show,
Can’t trust anyone, got me feeling like a convict on the run,
Tired of looking over my shoulder, this anxiety shit is no fun,
Then some days I’m wondering why bother? Fuck everyone and everything,
A herculean effort’s required to keep going, every step of the way my feet are dragging,
The sky’s bright outside but I only see grey, can’t hear the sound of birds chirping,
This empty void of silence is all-consuming, at times accompanied by muffled screaming,
A prisoner of my own mind, it’s real fucked-up, ain’t it?
Don’t care if the Minotaur kills me, just want out of this labyrinth.

Tried to kill it my own way, through productive and destructive means,
Physical scars, rhymes and works of art the result from venting my spleen,
Still standing somehow, I guess I chose life in the midst of the chaos,
Took the same path as Big Bro and consulted with the pros,
Skittish as a baby deer at first, felt like I was regurgitating in their faces,
But the contents of this bottle are fermented, it’s been sealed for ages,
Time to uncap it, it’s on the verge of explosion, brace yourself here come the confessions.

Back to the present now I’m thriving where I was once surviving,
Can’t say there’s total healing, that’s tantamount to wishful thinking,
Want to part ways with this motherfucker, keep it buried forever,
‘Don’t get your hopes up,’ said Big Bro, ‘the war don’t end for us soldiers,’
That black dog’s still within him, just been slapped with a restraining order,
Might still breach it now and then, that canine defies restrictions,
Hard work, grit and determination, it’s a winning combination,
But the lows must come with the highs, the bright sun won’t always rise,
Perfectly articulated by Kurt, about the irony of all this hurt,
‘I miss the comfort in being sad’, he sang, now Bro’s eyes are tearing up,
Must’ve hit close to home, that oxymoron’s next-level fucked up

Can’t let those lyrics become life, Big Bro warned me to stay woke,
Can’t let the guard down or I’ll end up getting yoked,
‘Therapy will help you, but that beast might never leave you,’
‘Y’all are together for life, like some dysfunctional husband and wife,’
Talk about unholy matrimony but that shit was real spit,
Battled this curse for so long, feels like I’d be naked without it,
Uneasy under the sunshine where the children play, it’s a strange land to which I’m an alien,
In the deep levels of hell and suffering somehow feels like I’m in my element,
There’s still some reliance on that beast, yeah I know that sounds twisted,
Hate to compare it to codependency, but somehow it seems fitting,
It’s a part of my identity, who would I be if it was stripped off completely?
Grateful to experience the glow of happiness, yet the embrace of melancholy brings familiarity,
Maybe I don’t know better, I want to believe I can change,
Working hard day after day but I don’t know how long that’ll take.

“Not all will understand,” warned Big Bro, “They’ll say you’re hung up on some bullshit,”
“That it’s all in your head, suck it up and be done with it,”
“They don’t know what treacherous waters you’d navigated, always so quick to judge,”
“Focus only on yourself, don’t let ‘em bother you too much,”
Lucky to have a battle-tested vet by my side, likewise he know that he’s my ride or die,
Working together to be better than yesterday, we’ll get through this for as long as it takes,
Hopeful of breaking out of that bitter embrace and heading towards better days.

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