You Played Yourself: Dear Jonny

This is it, the moment of truth, a big highlight of your fighting career,

Off to Vegas, the Hall Of Fame awaits, ‘twas a bumpy road for you to get here,

Showed up looking slick, accompanied by fiancé and kids,

Inducted after all these years, took plenty of blood, sweat and tears,

Then you blew it all in such a big way,

Went from hero to zero quicker than a cheetah on a chase,

Went out with your boys, partied the night away,

Returned to your hotel room in a very bad way,

Missus was sleeping, awoke to find you there, asked what was up, like a dutiful partner that cared,

‘Going to the strip club’, said you, naturally she wasn’t having it,

An argument ensued, the culmination of recent couple problems,

One thing led to another, soon she’s at the front desk crying, asking for an extra key,

They noticed blood on her before the kids asked if they can call the police,

Five-O picked you up, you were in real bad shape, still seething from that confrontation with the missus while the booze still got you agitated,

Enough for you to head-butt their shop, smooth move, Bruh, like it’ll help your case,

Before you joked that you could take ‘em on, nah, Bruh, these cops ain’t playing,

Now your fans are leaving in droves, after they’d stuck with you through thick and thin,

Call it the straw that broke that proverbial camel, gonna be mighty tough trying to come back from this,


This is just the latest chapter of your many run-ins with the law,

In and out the UFC, you’ve been here before,

Vowing to change every time, talking ‘bout Jesus and soul searching,

But again and again you’re the boy crying wolf, fucking up, lying and cheating,

Illegal tactics inside the cage, starting fights during press conferences,

Four years in a row where you came up hot in routine drug tests,

Then there’s the ugly stuff, seguing over to the unforgivable,

How you ain’t done hard time sure makes the mind boggle,

Acting the fool under the booze, and assaulting a waitress? What a bitch move,

Then there’s your performance in 2015, that hit-and-run a further stain on your legacy,

Didn’t even bother checking the victim, just a reminder, she was also pregnant,

Rushed back to the scene to collect your cash and drugs, her welfare and that of her kid of little to no consequence,

Quite the rap sheet you’d built up, common denominator being that you were blotto,

Way to give your growing army of detractors with plenty of ammo,

And now domestic violence against the mother of your children,

Well played, Champ,

Now one of your little ones called the cops on Daddy Dearest,

Those sociopath accusations flying around fast,

Way to be the type of man you wouldn’t want for your daughters,

Even Dana can’t bail your ass, simply no coming back from this,

That court date looms for the twenty-sixth,

Congrats on the Hall Of Fame, now get ready to face the music,


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