Let It Bern

For most of my life been a loner, no platoon with this soldier,
Took my lumps but I’m still standing, got this far let’s keep moving,
Felt freedom in solitude on good days, thinking ‘fuck the world’ during bad,
Perhaps the latter’s exaggerated, I don’t carry hate and malice like that,
Not without friends and family, very much love them dearly,
Just would rather business be privy to no one but me,
Yet life’s very axis turned upon your arrival, in ways unanticipated,
Irrevocably it seemed, the impact damn near broke The Richter.

Never really was one for companionship, never bought into the concept,
Came out the womb alone, will leave this world the same, decided that it’s destiny, certain that it was fate,
Neither scared nor aloof, it ain’t like that at all,
Life in the shadows is where I’m home, different strokes for different folks,
Wasn’t one to catch feelings, hasn’t happened often,
They say it’s hubris and I hate to make excuses, this game ain’t for the faint-hearted,
People showing true colours too late, it’s quite exhausting weeding out snakes,
Folks would sooner destroy than uplift one another, who wants to be around such behaviour?
As Trent and Johnny sang, everyone goes away in the end,
It’s a big bad world out there, more often than not we crash and burn in the end.

Crossed paths one day, looks like we caught the same wave,
Going our own ways in life, our paths done intertwined in time,
Somehow got to talking, somehow formed a connection,
Awkward in the beginning but thank God we pushed through it,
Your boy made like Prince Akeem after the first kiss, like him gave no shits that the neighbours were pissed,
Many chapters later asked the magic question while on bended knee, then came the ceremony, time crawled and zoomed simultaneously,
How on earth did we get here? All of this seems a dream,
But that’s life, I guess, no such thing as guarantees.

I’d need additional digits to count the ways you leave me awed and amazed,
Could wax lyrical day and night, page after page,
The world’s a brighter place thanks to your very presence in it,
You’re supportive yet assertive, keeping it real and unfiltered,
Not afraid to speak up when I mess up, unoffended when roles are inverted,
Disagreements are inevitable, life will throw challenges, but we’ll get through ‘em all together,
You’re my safe space when times get tough, I’m glad to be the same for ya,
Can’t imagine a life now where I’d never ever met ya,
Previously hard-pressed to trust one another, viewed the world as grey and monochrome,
Your love and warmth done thawed the ice within this individual, jaded and cold,
Every day an opportunity for further self-improvement, to be the type that you deserve,
Love and respect can’t be bought or cajoled, they can only be earned,
Likewise it’s a treat to watch you grow and evolve, to help you achieve your goals,
I’ll keep it one hundred with you, pick you up when you fall, both sides
putting in work,
I savour your warm hugs, hope you love kisses to your forehead and crown,
You’re my ride or die for life through all the ups and the downs.

But this is just pure fantasy, we ain’t even met yet,
Chances are fifty-fifty, a sure bet’s non-existent,
An encounter might occur sooner or later, perhaps it already has,
But neither party had a clue, life don’t offer cues,
The song won’t last forever, gotta step up and join the dance,
Even if you go alone, leave it on the floor until you’re called home,
Would be glorious if these musings become reality, but no such thing as absolute certainty,
But if not then no point getting mad, maybe it was the master plan.

It was a bolt from the blue that shocked the entire system,

Trouble was brewin’ but still you never saw it coming,

Looking back now on those good ol’ days, the contrast is heartbreaking,

It was laughs and good times galore, signs of a rock-solid unit,

The guardians loved one another, you and the sibs their little tribe of miscreants,

Experienced highs and lows like everyone, got back on track after every single one,

Fractured unions now a frequent occurrence but had faith Mom and Pops won’t be one of them,

Then cracks started forming on the surface, smiles rare as diamonds, as time went on and on the future seemed less certain,

Fast forward to the present Mom was glued to the tube while you were messing with the sibs,

Pops wasn’t home, still out on a work trip,

Seemed like good old-fashioned normalcy, a typical Sunday evening,

Then came the berg that sunk the vessel beneath the ocean.

Shouldn’t have been unexpected, been sailing over rough seas lately,

More than a few storms, took ‘em longer to get back on course,

Even what was trivial served as kindling for raging fires,

Old remedies failed to extinguish ‘em, their once undeniable chemistry nothing short of dire,

Still felt like a gut punch from Tyson, nobody likes to lose a parent,

You and the sibs been drifting due to changing interests, nothing like sorrow to get you reunited,

All the while you wonder, as their first-born, how the one you once looked up to, who clothed, provided for and raised you, could up and leave just like that, without a farewell hug at that?

Just a simple text message, talk about insincere, so much for precious memories from the past twenty years,

On the subject of familial breakdowns, night after night prayed you’d never join the club,

But life had other plans for ya, shit is totally fucked up.

You were thrust the unofficial role of co-pilot, Ma can only do so much on her own,

Fresh out of teens, still unsure of your life’s goals, forced into a new role, spat into a world that devours even the bold,

Work turns out to be your safe haven, a distraction from your current situation,

Away from the anguish and bitterness in equal measures, reminders of unwanted changes,

The daily commute serves as a time of reflection, though not in a way that begets enlightenment,

Rather to purge the heart and mind of inner pain and sadness, why did it have to come to this?

Got you contemplating the dark side, embrace many a broken soul’s vices,

But deep down you knew better, for all their faults they didn’t raise a fool and delinquent,

Still, the inner anger got you thinking foolish temptations,

Must be draining to go through pain alone while the world remains happily oblivious,

Misery loves company but strength of mind ain’t having it,

Gotta stay on the straight and narrow, new responsibilities require you to do so.

The fake smiles mask internal tears, got you wondering how many years before the pain subsides if at all, after all, this was one of your worse fears,

Happy fam snatched away just like that, what happened to their chemistry from the past?

Been caught in storms before, no one makes it out bone-dry,

Time and time again they made it to the other side, sometimes different brollies were required, but damn it they got out of them alive,

Then you have the mental gymnastics nothing short of soul-sapping,

You resent ‘em for blowing it, for taking away from you a complete support system,

Takes two to tango, the handiwork’s barely one-sided, but to the one that played deserter the blame is compounded,

Bitter feelings are inevitable, can’t believe he walked away,

Feeling angry, scared and betrayed, will life ever be the same?

Should’ve been here to show the way, act as your guide through life,

But now he ain’t and you don’t know why, just that he left y’all high and dry,

Fangs are out for her, too, for making mountains out of mole hills,

On his case constantly for even the most useless things, who wants to put up with that shit?

Juxtaposed against the love that offspring naturally feel for their parents,

Can try to deny it but can’t simply just forget about it,

The sacrifices made for you and your sibs, through grown eyes you recognize all of this,

Couldn’t get to where you are present had they not hustled hard for it,

As far as parenting you couldn’t ask for better, they raised you and the sibs proper,

Insulated y’all from all manner of harm and danger, guided y’all through your problems,

In many ways you kids were privileged and for that you ought to stay grateful for it,

When all’s said and done they still deserve their flowers, recent occurrences can’t and won’t erase ‘em,

So now you’re left in this conundrum, though the betrayal cuts deep,

Opposing feelings on extreme ends of the scale, haunts you damn near every night before you sleep.

So ends another day, mask on while slogging through work,

Shelved it upon arriving home, life with fam now seems rather awkward,

Before the hard part hit you, that would be the hours before bed,

Hearing sibs and mother crying, their means of purging, the sound reverberates around your head,

Trying to stay strong for their sake, takes every ounce of your being,

Nodding off, finally, a brief respite from grief and uncertainty,

Times are tough right now, Kid, but soldier on and you’ll be fine,

It’s ok to feel sad or mad, to ask and wonder why,

Life took a different turn, certainly one that’s mind-boggling,

Just know you aren’t to blame for it, not all unions go the distance,

Keep a strong front if you must, the younger sibs need someone to hold onto,

Even Momma’s struggling hard, she, too, needs a rock to cling to,

Break down if you must, let the tears fall, don’t keep it bottled up,

On your lonesome, too, if you don’t want them to see you broken and torn up,

Remember that winners never quit and quitters never win, don’t let nothing break you,

He taught you that long ago and it will always ring true,

Speaking of lessons, you can still learn from ‘em, too,

How not to communicate with your significant other, the one with whom you vowed to live happily ever after,

Not to sweat the small stuff, match your emotions with the matter,

Getting hot over the irrelevant, such behaviour does not serve to flatter,

To never quit on one another, they were supposed to be in it together,

For every problem there’s a solution, might take some effort but eventually you’ll find it,

But if the fairytale ends, if somehow it didn’t last, surely there’s better ways to part that ain’t cold, abrupt and crass,

Though you’d rather forget this particular chapter, do file it for reference later,

There’s not telling where life might take you, might find yourself in situations similar,

Until then just carry on, though it’s hard, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,

Step up and thrive where they’d stumbled, you still have a bright future.

Afternoon strolls, always a favorite pastime of mine,

Sunnies on, head up, no chitchat, nothing to break my strides,

Saw him from the corner of my eye, out and about on his lonesome,

A significant figure from my past, been almost twenty since we saw each other last,

Had to do a double take, surely these eyes must be tricking,

Not much ‘bout him changed, save for some subtle signs of ageing,

Some greys here and there, lines near the eyes, hadn’t seen him since graduation,

That’s more than twenty years, I wonder if he remembers who I am?

Only one way to find out, gonna run up on this dude,

It’s now or never, excuse the attitude, hope he won’t think I’m crude.

“Hey, Bud. Remember me?”

A smile spread across his features, this surely was a random encounter,

“Hey, how’ve you been? So good to see you,”

“Ain’t nothing changed, Brother, seems like the same for you too,”

We walked for a while, exchanging war stories from our lives,

Sat down on a bench eventually, chopped it up ‘til the sun started disappearing,

Seemed like old times once more, but then it occurred to me,

Something different about him now, of the type rather sad and melancholy,

Change is inevitable, no one is spared,

It’ll do its work as the time passes, better go with it or be left in the ashes,

But it ain’t always sunshine and rainbows, the good and the bad come together,

Enhancing some aspect of our lives while deteriorating others,

In his case he seemed to have it all, working his dream job and generally having a ball,

But his demeanour seemed unfamiliar, at least from the kid that I’d known before.

He was positivity personified during years past,

Up for fun and laughs at the drop of a hat, couldn’t get cooler than that,

In the present he seems bitter, not talking so much as ranting,

Harbouring bitterness and hatred in seemingly equal measures,

Seemingly contemptuous at what once set his soul aflame,

Sure, we acquire knowledge and changed interests along the way, from birth ‘til death we rarely stay the same,

The contrast, still, of the past and the present was kind of sad and disturbing,

‘Is this really the same dude? Or just someone with more than a passing resemblance?’

Still, we continued to converse, most of it spent reminiscing on the past,

Every once in a while bursting into fits of belly laughs.

Time flew, soon it was time to get going,

Agreed to meet up again but such sentiments seem to mean nothing,

Life gets busy after all, we keep moving different directions,

We may cross paths again but fat chance of that happening,

Probably for the best, what I’d learned about him left me kinda depressed,

What happened to my friend? From sunshine to cloud the dude fell off the deep end,

Once upon a time could talk to him about anything,

At times found myself tip-toeing ‘round eggshells during our little reunion,

Was tempted to ask him what brought about this transformation,

But better to leave the proverbial can closed, don’t want to clean up the contents,

If this is it then perhaps it’s best to wish him well, even if we’re strangers once more,

Hold on tight to memories of when we were small, teammates and brothers of sorts.

New Year came and went, then it was straight back to business,

Went by too quick, that holiday period, daily life prefers a peculiar brand of slowness,

Ten years-plus an outcast, cynical and jaded,

Middle-finger salute to society all but permanent but low-key wanting some type of connection,

Logged onto FB one night, found me an old friend, he was with me in the trenches during the warzone that was lunch and recess,

Both of us deemed nerds, copped our fair share for it,

Me more so than him, that once-cheery kid grew up the polar opposite,

Back to the present he accepted my friend request, DM’d me after a few days,

Hadn’t seen or heard from him since graduation, his circumstances changed in strange ways,

After a few days he spilled his guts, tales of woe and heartbreak,

Thought she was the one so he upped sticks for her, before she tore his heart out then hurled it into the incinerator,

This mind back then wouldn’t allow sympathy, he’s just paying the price of vulnerability,

Welcome to society, where so many are fucking slimy, to trust is an act of self-sabotage, really,

Why’s he even dumping onto me this shit? This type of info one would keep a secret,

How’s he trusting a homie after more than ten years of distance?

Been keeping it in for too long, the contents within bubbling, pressure busts pipes, sooner or later there’ll be an explosion,

Somehow found myself compelled to help, this must be what they call compassion,

Channelling my inner optimist long dormant before I got to replying,

Encouraged him to soldier on, do away with plans foolish and drastic,

His luck could turn in a minute, in the end it’ll be worth it,

Regurgitated every cliché used by every motivational speaker ever,

Somehow it worked, though, found that out a few short months later,

Sure enough he met someone, in the present he’s still with her,

Two little ones to cap it off glad his happy ending came along.

In return he turned me onto anime again, been some time since I’d watched a series,

Then came a new beginning, at Pops’ insistence and urgings,

Began a new discipline, nothing like others that I’d tried,

Boxed and wore a karate gi in the past, but this seemed to throw every rule through the glass,

Squared on, everything from the centre, hard striking forbidden,

A fresh challenge but one that I took on, kept at it going forward,  

Seemed to be the turning point, felt a metamorphosis of sorts,

Befriended some fellow practitioners, for the longest time didn’t feel awkward,

Holed in my fortress for so long but dared to believe that leopards can change their spots,

Have I found a home away from home? Some semblance of acceptance?

All signs pointed to that direction, slowly but surely toppled the fences.

Finally embarked on a mission for qualification for that role I’d long been coveting,

Several months of fun and lessons, not to mention further friendships,

Can’t say I was a natural, but I’ll say I did ok with it,

It was fun while it lasted, been done for a while but thankful for the experience,

Later reunited face to face with that old buddy, the catalyst for this trajectory,

Not much changed physically, other than he’s aged markedly,

Got to know his co-pilot and the rest of their crew,

Still running with ‘em to this day, counting ‘em in my inner circle too,

Had long felt stagnant at work but seemed to embrace it once more,

Positive vibes permeating all aspects, have I found some secret key to what they call happiness?

Christmas with the extended fam sure was a blast,

Trip to Kosciuszko the icing on the cake, thus ending a year full of blessings in its wake,

Been a great one, I have to say, one of the best I’d ever had,

Still look back on it wistfully but to have lived it once I’m still glad,

Began as a surly recluse, all but anti-social and pissed at the system,

Wasted a great deal of young adulthood for it, always playing victim,

Picking at scabs from long ago, would have healed sooner had I not kept on doing so,

The lone sufferer the man in the mirror, time to get moving, better late than never,

Many moons prior, the Mayans predicted this to be the end,

For yours truly such was the case in some ways, finally emerged from a long hibernation,

Out from the darkness of the shadows to the brighter lights, it was a glorious reunion,

Old self has finally come to pass, in its place an older, wiser and all-round better version.

She was out for a walk, alone with her thoughts,

Five years retired already, been quite the journey, two years a widow now, unfortunately,

Heard from the kids every now and then, grandkids loved her when they visited,

Too long between reunions but life gets busy thanks to higher costs of living,

Melancholy comes knocking every now and then, but for the most part life’s a breeze,

Simple living and optimism, both have been the key,

On this day, her peace ‘bout to be shattered in ways cringey than clear and present danger,

The dude ran towards her, gave her quite a fright, expecting a thug or purse-snatcher but he wasn’t that type,

He asked her how she was doing, if she was feeling blue,

Wrapped himself around her, minus her consent, before a response can come through,

“It’ll be alright,” said he, “you will be ok,”

“You looked like you needed cheering, have a lovely day,”

His mate stands not far away, phone pointed towards ‘em,

Soon to be uploaded into cyberspace without their subject’s permission,

Off they run feeling heroic while she’s left to pick up the pieces,

To say she’s weirded out and mortified would be an understatement.

Not too far away, dude on the sidewalk wasting,

Reviewing his current situation, the culmination of bad breaks and his own poor decisions,

Living off of others’ generosity and donations,

For the most part mere shrapnel but it’s better than nothing,

One day was approached by a total stranger, cash in her hand, ready for a big contribution, but for reasons rather sad,

She dropped the dough as intended but her phone was pointed at his face,

“Enjoy your money, Sir,” said she, “hope you have a lovely day,”

He’ll be eating well tonight while making the rounds online,

Without his knowledge or consent, her generosity was tainted,

Helping the needy is cool, but social media clout’s her main objective,

Chasing praises from the masses, the dopamine fix is highly addictive,

But for every five likes there are far more of the opposite, consider the plan backfired,

Critics are letting her have it, she still doesn’t know it, but she’ll find out in a little while.

Good deeds with hidden motives, we’re seeing ‘em more often

Helping the downtrodden but we see you acting the paparazzi on ‘em,

It’s an empty gesture if you’re just doing it for clout,

Your audience ain’t cheering or admiring, they’re mocking and laughing out loud,

If you did it out of kindness then you wouldn’t need any witnesses,

You’re just fishing for compliments and backslaps from friends and so-called followers,

Putting it on blast reeks of fakeness and arrogance, how translucent can you get?

Using the less fortunate for your own selfish intentions? You’re a special breed of scum bucket,

And in other cases you’re just playing the space invader, running up on ‘em like whatever,

How’d you like it if you were hassled for no apparent reason? You’d think they were a right little nuisance,

Better cut that out sooner rather than later, you’re doing yourself no favors,

You’re considered a major irritant across social media, how does that label work for ya?

Indulge your ego elsewhere through different means, your actions aren’t appreciated here,

Better you walked on by than using and abusing ‘em, let the real altruists tend to them.