Author: musical

Listenin’ to the rain outside pourin’ as it hammers pitter-patterin’ over the ceilin’,

Blockin’ the wondrous stars everlastin’ as described by Banjo Paterson,

Reflectin’, meditatin’ and thinkin’ ‘bout the world that we’re livin’ in, Covid cases that keep on spikin’ and jumpin’,

Pandemic returned with a vengeance, reckless fools done wrecked it for others, had one job to do but got too damn complacent,

Second wave was expected, ain’t no vaccine or cure had been found yet, somewhat frustratin’ but don’t wanna get caught by this virus,

Wonderin’ if panic buyers are re-starting their engines, ready for a rematch at Woolworths, if the bored and famous are plannin’ an encore performance of a tune by John Lennon,

Protesters are still ragin’, Black Lives Matter they still chantin’, a whole nation’s divided, the fallout’s still persistin’,

Racists still blamin’ Asians for the virus, attackin’ frontliners handlin’ their business,

People still showin’ their true colors, it’s an ugly shade of twisted and fucked-up mixed with heavy doses of ignorance,

Sucks to live with a medical condition being forced back into isolation, ain’t whinin’ or complainin’ but it’s still kinda disheartenin’,

Good days and bad days are inevitable, just gotta keep the head above water, though some days feels like I’m treadin’, going under and drownin’,

But got too much pride for quittin’, gotta keep on goin’ and stay fightin’, often times optimistic I’m feelin’, just gotta count all of the blessings,

Ain’t starvin’ or homeless, still healthy and active, ain’t suffered severe losses and grievances, no point entertainin’ the beasts of anxiety and depression,

Gotta stay patiently waitin’, prepare for the moment that’s comin’, this storm’s just passin’, ain’t permanent, in tough times gotta choose a mindset that’s winnin’.

Going on three months in lockdown, virus is slowing but gotta stay cautious,
So near yet so far uncertainty overshadows the foreseeable future,
Led to a spontaneous combustion of emotions, that stove been left unattended,
Once that pot starts bubblin’ better brace for the explosion,
It’s tit for tat between world leaders like some twisted game of tennis,
While the bored and desperate go stir-crazy, sick of living like prisoners,
But spare a thought for victims of the fucked-up and the ignorant,
Mankind’s infected with serious shortcomings, twenty-twenty was a harsh reminder,
We’re talking ‘bout this evil thing called racism where differences in appearances trigger disturbances,
Should’ve been left in the dark ages but it’s persisting despite so-called progress,
Manifesting during times of trouble, bringing out the worst in others,
In this Brave New World two major events exposed peoples’ true colors,
The pandemic drew the bigoted from their caves like the proverbial moths to that flame,
While elsewhere the dam exploded and society’s drowning following another senseless killing.

Jacked-up on fear and substances, the ignorant blasting all Asians for this virus,
Flashed back to past outbreaks and plagues that saw different minorities blamed,
Check out ‘Frisco in the early nineteen-hundreds, Bubonic Plague saw the Chinese Exclusion Act strengthened,
Back to the present and Yellow Peril’s reincarnated,
Childish playground shit, all corners pointing fingers on certain students, no one gives a fuck, not even the teachers,
Cowards scared to swim deep so they stay in shallow waters, victims are prosecuted based on appearances,
The elderly abused and pushed around, young ones threatened and harassed,
Asian faces triggering frothing racists, even when they got that facemask strapped,
Yet sparing the full-grown and strong, saving hands, saliva and insults for the vulnerable and old,
Bullies duckin’ and dodgin’ the smoke, the cowardice is something to behold,
Scare tactics and fear mongering spreadin’, slapped onto store windows and news headlines,
While Donnie and his homies are slingin’ comments that are inflammatory and asinine,
Peep at how they reportin’ on this virus, Asian faces splashed on screens and newspapers,
Treating ‘em like Emmanuel Goldstein, Is it coincidence or they stokin’ emotions?
There’s a Cold War between nations over who’s responsible yet the spread was a global team effort,
Doctors from ground zero silenced by communists but their warnings went unheeded until after that virus ran rampant,
Open your damn eyes and minds, take a look around and stop the hate,
Y’all fools are part of the problem and not the solution, that virus don’t discriminate.

Elsewhere in the Divided States, different day but the same old bullshit,
Emancipation should’ve ended it but oppression went another direction,
Demonizing ‘em with harmful stereotypes, denying ‘em privileges that others take for granted,
Slapping ‘em with stiffer sentences for serious charges while lighter offenders can get off with something lesser,
The police swore an oath to serve and protect, for some that should’ve come with a fuckin’ asterisk,
Where in the handbook does it permit y’all to stop, harass and search ‘em for no reason besides skin color?
And if arrest is warranted why are y’all roughing ‘em and killing ‘em even if they ain’t resisting?
Not hating on all carrying badges, the majority perform their duties admirably,
But when bad seeds get away with bad deeds the masses ain’t gonna take it lightly,
Thinking ‘bout Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd and other victims of this one-sidedness,
Black kids can’t play cops and robbers without being mistaken for the latter,
The system’s broken, simmering tensions and frustration are a toxic combination,
The fallout is gnarly, shades of Watts and L.A. in ’65 and ’92, respectively,
But don’t get ‘em twisted, protestors ain’t rioters,
But they’re omitted from the TV news ‘cuz chaos guarantees more ratings and views,
Looters come in all races but selective editing focus on darker faces like they dictating who to blame for this,
But ya gotta wonder who’s in it for the mission or just taking advantage of the situation,
How’s robbing and looting helping while the economy’s struggling?
Y’all are harming the innocent, wrecking businesses owned by they whose lives need defending,
How’s two wrongs gonna equal solution? What good will come from this destruction? Can’t condone these fuckin’ riots, y’all went too far with this,
But the rage is understandable, been four hundred-plus yet the bullshit’s still happening,
They’re crying ‘All Lives Matter’ with conviction but some lives remain disposable,
‘Riots are the language of the unheard’ quoted Dr. King, but also noted they’re self-defeatin’,
Gotta be exhausting explaining to your children the dangers they’ll be facing due to their darker complexion,
Open your damn eyes, stop, think and open your minds and stop the hate,
Look beyond colors and quit judging, ‘cuz underneath we all bleed the same.

On and on it goes this twisted, toxic mindset,
Arabs slammed by the masses for every terrorist incident since nine-eleven like they as a collective started ‘em,
Labeled as troublemakers like black men in America, media hysteria helped fuel that skirmish in Cronulla,
Hispanics dismissed as gangsters, drug dealers and illegals with falsified papers, so vociferous are Don and his rabid supporters,
Africans in China attacked as virus carriers while the world slaps Asians with similar accusations,
Could go on and on with examples and all races are susceptible,
That includes White folks, deemed the face of the human race blessed with special privileges,
But you’d be naïve to believe that it can’t also be a hindrance,
Can’t offer certain opinions without being labeled ignorant and entitled,
Can’t act or dress in certain ways without staring misappropriation charges in the face, 
Condemnation awaits if they attack other races but flip the script barely an eyebrow’s raised,
Met with cynicism in the realms of ballin’, fightin’ and rappin’, privilege sure has failed ‘em,
Twenty deep in the third millennium but fools remain wandering in the desert,
At the mercy of the vultures, the powers that be that should’ve known better.

Heard it all before, excuses from the judgmental and bigoted, flipping faster than Greg Louganis whenever they’re confronted,
‘I got a spouse or friend’ from whatever race or culture they’re hatin’, nobody’s buying it,  you never should have started,
‘I don’t feel comfortable with ‘em,’ bullshit, harden up and get to know ‘em rather than jumping to conclusions,
‘They’re all the same,’ says you, your prejudice serves  to generalize and defame, Fool,
A global utopia remains a pipe dream, as elusive as Lasseter’s Reef,
The curse is deeply rooted, survived for so long probably won’t fade into oblivion,
Not all are open to education, can’t wait for ‘em forever and nothing comes out of coercion,
They are beyond your control, it’s better to start small when it comes to long-term goals,
Work on yourself first to help heal this world,
Put an end to prejudice and embrace one another’s differences,
Hatred is learned behavior, teach children love in addition to reading, writing and proper manners,
The world has enough bullies so don’t you go planting seeds,
If All Lives Matter then it’s about time we lived it, no more unequal distributions of justice,
Quit blaming others for the sins of the stupid, spare your wrath for the culprits that deserve it,
Ignore the irresponsible unless you want to join the foolish and gullible, stereotypes and propaganda are a rotten motherfucker,
To the racist and bigoted, it’s high time y’all changed your ways,
They’re in disarray, enslavin’ you to acts of hate as you stay choking on those chains,
Open your damn eyes and stop the hate, strip away race, cultures and backgrounds we’re all the same,
We’re all part of the human race, the sooner it sinks can real changes take place.

Alarm rings, fumbled for it in pitch black,
Early wake-ups are no fun but gotta get an early jump before the sun’s up,
Grip’s still sleeping, phone seems slicker than oil as it slips onto the mattress,
Blind instinct takes over from eyes still unadjusted to the darkness,
Trudging to the bathroom, splashed cold water on these craggy features,
Ray of light bouncin’ off the mirror, reflection within got you squirmin’,
This old vessel’s sailed one too many voyages, the wear and tear’s evident,
The ocean once seemed endless, now the port’s visible in the distance,  
Hit you like a gut shot from Tyson, hourglass was tricklin’ now it’s pourin’,
Yearning for a breather, just want to hit the pause button,
Or at least get back on play, someone stop fuckin’ with the fast-forward,
Your hands must be numb, can’t feel the remote that you’re controllin’,
Hit pause then rewind, zip back to years long gone,
You are the captain of this ship, only you alone can right the wrongs.

Through the eyes of innocence the world’s a magical place,
Surroundings seemed straight out of sci-fi, the concrete jungle with tall buildings stretching sky-high,
Mountains and fields were straight out of picture books that Teacher read to the class in between grinding hard for a piece of paper that said you passed,
Lived in dreary suburbia, for you it was utopia, away from the confines of school fun times lasted forever,
But time was ever-present, worked in silence and prowling unnoticed,
Revving up slowly, creepin’ like a predator that you never saw coming,
Took off like Roadrunner, Wile E. didn’t have a prayer,
Now you’re grown up and bewildered trying to keep it all together,
Seen enough of this world, curiosity faded from your make-up,
Know-how and wisdom co-existing with stress and anxiety plus a decline in physicality,
Terrible teens and roaring twenties they quickly came and went,
Past the point of quarter-life crisis, not quite ready for mid-life, greying strands suggest you’re drifting from life’s morning and closer to night,
Panicked tunes are ringing, on loop the crescendo’s rising,
Countdown’s on, time to leave this hole in which you’re slowly decomposing.

Different day, same shit, nothing new, same tired fucking routine,
Get up and work, go home and sleep, eat, rest and move in between,
Runnin’ ragged on that treadmill but circumstances can’t bear the full brunt,
You were given legs and free will at birth but you stay put like a horse stuck in mud,
You used to be so brazen, bold, daring and resilient as a street urchin,
Climbed up the highest slides in the playground, beat your chest like you were King Kong, slid down on your belly, hands first like Superman towards the sand box,
Graduated to hormone-fuelled hedonism a decade later, fooled with the opposite gender while trying different substances,
Made it out alive, the scars and stories remain, younger generations can’t accuse you of being lame,
It was various escapades twenty-four-seven, you could’ve been the spawn of Hunter S. Thompson,
Motley Crue would’ve saluted you, childhood buds idolized you and in adulthood they still do,
But they’d surely be disappointed at what had become of you,
The animal that they knew, it’s unrecognizable as you’re wasting away like some lifeless fool,
Slavin’ for bread, kissing ass to eat at the table, talk about misguided servitude, you played yourself like a fiddle,
Wanna slow time? View the world once more through a child’s eyes,
Keep searching and learning, your mind’s been softening for a long while,
Spice things up, expand that memory bank, muscles can plateau without switching up training plans,
Kids give everything a shot, passed or failed before moving onto something different,
Just like pint-sized Marco Polos they are always down for exploring,
Grown-ups are shackled by fear and bullshit rules, customs and expectations in their damn minds, kids take on all comers fearlessly, even if they might stumble and fall a few times.

Scrap that daily routine, be like Jordan and slam dunk it into the trash,
Rearrange or start fresh, pop that neuralizer like they do in Men In Black.
Travel and see the world, talk to strangers and get to know ‘em,
Swap stories like soldiers on break, you just might find a few kindred spirits,
Learn a new language, that would surely expand that cranium,
Test yourself in a new setting, enjoy it even if you can only remember how to order chicken,
Not ready to go big? That’s cool, little steps are better than zero,
Still beats putting up with monotony and coming full circle in a hurry,
Read a new book, listen to new tunes, give that hair a new do,
Send that dominant hand on vacation and give its lazy co-worker a promotion,
Begin again and keep evolving, keep that body and mind challenged,
Be curious and live forever young, add more years and enjoy it,
‘Cuz ain’t nothing scarier than regret, that window’s limited no matter how wide it’s opened,
The past is gone, the future ain’t promised, start today and get right on it,
That ship will reach port to send you to the next level, can’t duck and dodge it forever, it’s inevitable,
Aim to stand tall at the pearly gates to proudly declare that you’d earned it.

Somehow, some way, this song by Frank Ocean took me back to ’95,
Autumn break from school, the air was cool even as the sun was in bloom,
Carefree as any ten year old while temporarily paroled,
From school not juvy, but for the immature mind it might as well be,
I was home on this day, in between gaming messing ‘round with Lil’ Sis,
Grandma played sitter, Pops was working while Mom’s out buying groceries,
Childhood innocence, now long-gone, looking back with misty-eyed nostalgia,
Smiling at the memories as life sails inexorably towards the future,
Let’s take a walk in Momma’s shoes, relive a rather odd moment,
Unremarkable, to be sure, but not one soon to be forgotten

Another day of groceries, stay-at-home duties ain’t one big jamboree,
Still workin’, not just chillin’, when the kids are home it’s pure insanity,
Headed out early before the place lit up like a college party,
Found a good parking space, near the entrance, coveted by every harried shopper,
Got the essentials, fruits, veg, grains, meats and the necessary condiments,
Got a house full of eaters, kids are growing and don’t get me started on my husband,
Forty-five spent traipsing through the aisles, checkin’ sales and clearances,
Lined up at the check-out, took care of business and feeling triumphant,
Pushed the trolley towards the car, parking lot’s full and I’ve been spotted,
An eagle-eyed driver’s ghosting to take my spot, waiting to pounce like a lion,
Put all the bags in the back then drove outta there and that was that,
More cars are coming like the peak of the school run, parking lot’s about to get a lot more fun.

Reached a set of lights about five minutes from home,
Quickly turned red and stayed that way for much longer than the norm,
Another car ahead of me, several behind lined up like train carriages,
Taking deep breaths and wondering why this red’s taking ages,
Finally turned green, gotta head home to fix lunch and dinner,
But the fool out front’s stuck in unexplained inertia,
One second passes, no movement, two and three go by,
Four then five, dude’s still napping, time to give the ol’ horn a try,
Blasted it hard, others followed suit, louder than a 21-Gun Salute,
He snaps out the trance in shock, jumps up and throws his hands up,
His left clutching a dirty magazine, had a half-naked temptress featured on the cover,
Well that explains why that fool’s focus went straight under,
Quick as a rocket, fuelled by shame he revs up the engine,
Gunned that ride hard, high tailed it like he was Louis Hamilton,
Some folks are loco but gotta give him points for honesty,
Reached home, finally, that hour seemed to go smoothly.

There you have it, another random blast from the past,
Still has me laughing now, even if Momma was the one that witnessed it,
So next time you’re stuck in traffic, Son,
Trapped behind some chump that refuses to budge,
Give ‘em a honk and you just might see that they are off with the fairies at some other place that they’d rather be.

I don’t watch TV now as much as I did as a kid, during the years when The Simpsons was still the best damn show on the tube, Ross and Rachel were trying to wrap their heads around what being ‘on a break’ meant and Kenny was meeting his maker in a variety of truly twisted ways but if there’s one thing that I’ve noticed on the rare occasion that I tune in now it’s that the quality of TV ads seem to have plummeted faster than whatever credibility Ja Rule had left following the Fyre debacle. I hate to sound like an old-timer but back in my day TV ads were far more memorable and some even reached iconic status and quite frankly I don’t see any of that happening with many of the commercials circulating on the airwaves lately.

No disrespect intended towards anyone. Save the hate mail for another day.

Four ads from my youth and teenage years come to mind when I think about the most memorable TV commercials that I’ve ever seen, the first being two old TV commercials for Tim Tams that made the rounds on TV during the 1990s. Back then, Tim Tam ads normally involved a muscular, dark-skinned male genie or magician summoning a pack of Tim Tams to satisfy their co-star’s sweet tooth and if said co-star happens to be a woman he will usually share the chocolates with her in a rather seductive and intimate manner. Woe be to her significant other if she happened to have one because that poor guy is usually made to be some type of sacrificial lamb, hilariously vanquished at the woman’s request before she and that hot, strong hunk of burning love (I can’t believe I wrote that!) are free to share the biscuits together.

A hunky black male in a rather sensual and provocative advertisement for chocolate? Geez! No points for guessing for which audience those ads were geared towards.

The first ad involved a young couple sharing a pack of Tim Tams together and stumbling upon a genie’s lamp that is rubbed by the man, awakening a genie decked out in black robe and cap plus a gold neck chain and earrings, giving him the appearance of an African prince. The man immediately surmises that they are both entitled to three wishes and so he rather abruptly commands the genie to set him up on a date with 90s It Girl Kimberley Davies, prompting the genie to summon her from out of thin air. Kim then rudely snatches the last Tim Tam from the pack held by the girl, causing her to spitefully wish that she and her now ex-boyfriend ‘take a hike’ and so the genie instantly banishes them both. Now alone with the girl, and perhaps sensing that she will wish for his freedom the way Aladdin did for the genie at the end of the Disney film and then perhaps a date, the genie smiles as the girl prepares to make a third and final wish. Much to his chagrin, it is simply for a never-ending pack of Tim Tams.

Maybe next time, Bud.

The second Tim Tam ad was for Tim Tam Fingers, a thinner variation of their famous chocolate biscuit – and one that would most likely be banned if it was in circulation on TV screens today. In this ad a girl and a shirtless and muscular magician are seductively sharing a pack of Tim Tam fingers that he had summoned from out of thin air. Just as things are about to head towards the early stages of foreplay between the pair they are suddenly interrupted by the girl’s livid ex-boyfriend (who was most likely banished in an earlier ad that I might have missed), who returns home dressed in full Siberian gear after having spent the last year or so exiled in Vladivostok. Finding his now-ex being flirty with the magician (who, in this ad, resembles a young David Haye), he sarcastically tells her (or rather, shouts at her) that Vladivostok was a blast and then, upon spotting the Tim Tam fingers, takes one and angrily bites into it while asking, ‘So what is going on here? And since when did Tim Tams come in fingers!?’

My young, dumb self might have been too naïve to catch onto the sexual connotations in those ads back then but I still remember them today. Well played, y’all. Well played!

Another ad that I remember is a commercial for Rolos chocolates that circulated on the screens in 1995. The first half of the commercial is set in bygone years (probably the 1960’s) and in it, a young boy is taking a stroll through a zoo while chomping on some Rolos when he spots an elephant calf following its mother as they wander about in their enclosure. With a mischievous twinkle in his eye he approaches the enclosure and tempts the calf by holding out one of the chocolates. Just as the calf is about to take it into its trunk the boy suddenly shoves it into his mouth before taunting the dejected calf.
The second half projects to the present day. The boy, now a man, is watching a circus street parade while chewing on Rolos when he feels a tap on his shoulder. Upon turning his head a massive elephant’s trunk swats him across the face, comically knocking him to the ground dazed and confused. The elephant, an adult version of the calf that he had taunted many years before, mockingly roars in his direction before marching on with the rest of the parade.

The tagline for that ad? ‘Rolos….too good to share.’ Bravo, message received and many laughs had. Extra points, too, for playing on the ‘elephants never forget’ saying.

The third ad was one for Heinz baked beans from 1996. In it, a teenager and his younger brother are home alone for the night and the older brother is preparing a late afternoon snack for them both while also chatting on the phone to his girlfriend (side note: he was talking to her through a chordless landline, not a cellphone. It was the 1990s and so cellphones were still reserved for professionals and rich folks). As he is speaking his brother is sitting on the dining table, bored out of his mind to the point where he thinks that his brother is speaking to him.
Big Brother tells his girlfriend, “I was thinking of making something special for dinner tonight.”
Little Brother, believing that Big Brother was addressing him, responds with, “Cool, what is it?”
Big Brother then places a bowl of baked beans with sausages on the table. An excited Little Brother exclaims, “Heinz Baked Beans with sausages? How special is that!?”
Big brother continues to talk on the phone as he places a bowl of baked beans with meatballs on the table. Little Brother’s eyes light up even brighter.
“Heinz Baked Beans with meatballs too!? Um, which one is mine?”
Big Brother, on the phone with his girlfriend, tells her, “Oh I don’t mind we can share.”
Little Brother, still thinking that his brother is addressing him, asks “can I have both of them?”
Big Brother, on the phone, responds to a random question from his girlfriend with “Um, YEP, SURE THING!”
That was all that Little Brother needed to hear. He begins eating from both bowls as his brother wraps up the phone conversation. Big Brother then snatches one of the bowls from Little Brother and angrily asks, “What are you doing, you pig!?”

Absolutely hilarious!

And I feel hungry for a bowl of beans every time I watch it, too.

The fourth and final ad is for McDonalds that I recall from my high school years, in the years 2000 or 2001. In it, Ronald McDonald is a participant in a karate class with a group of children and the Sensei presents him with three tests; the first is to break a board, which he accomplishes by flying towards the board as though he is going to kick it but instead flicking it in half with his finger. The next is to ‘crack the code’, which involved rearranging magnetic letters on a whiteboard to spell ‘McDonalds,’ and then finally to crack some walnuts which he accomplishes by picking up the nuts with nutcrackers in each hand and wielding them around while whooping and hollering as though he were Bruce Lee playing with nunchucks before cracking the walnuts open.
Yeah, that one always had me in stitches but I did also wonder how Ronnie could have scored a pass when he clearly cheated on the last test.

Me thinks Sensei is running a McDojo.

There were many other ads that I remember fondly other than the four I’d mentioned, a list of ‘honorable mentions’ if you will. Decore shampoo and conditioner and The Good Guys sampled the hit songs ‘YMCA’ and ‘Good Vibrations’, respectively, for their TV ads back in the day. Austalian Bananas came up with a catchy tune that promoted the golden fruit as ‘Making Bodies Sing’. Yellow Pages added the catchphrase ‘Not HAPPY, JAN’ into the Australian vernacular. The ad for M&M’s have evolved from involving a duo of anthrophomorphic Red and Yellow M&Ms trying to avoid being eaten by humans to the pair and their different colored friends still on the run from those monstrous humans, and after all these decades the ads for Aeroplane Jelly and Vegemite from way before my time, as well as their catchy songs, have not faded from the public’s consciousness. Not all may remember the lyrics to the songs but ask just about any grown Australian adult (even from Generation Y) about the ad for Aeroplane Jelly or Vegemite and more often than not they will know exactly what you are referring to.
Such is the power of effective TV advertisements. When done correctly they not only effectively promote the product and grab people’s attention but they can also become synonymous with the brand, withstand the test of time and even go all the way to reach iconic status.

That’s the way you build a lasting legacy, Kids.

Which brings us back to TV ads today and my earlier statements regarding a regression in quality is hammered hard into my ears whenever I see – or rather, hear – the TV ad for Allianz Car Insurance. To summarize, the ad informs their audience that their comprehensive car insurance will ‘guarantee all authorized repairs.’ The ad then shows a mechanic handing a woman back the keys to her vehicle, now fixed and restored to good-as-new. The mechanic happily informs her that she is ‘good to go.’
‘Looks great,’ she responds.
That’s when all hell breaks loose.
As he gives her back her keys, the mechanic breaks out into a long, drawn, irritating chorus of ‘AAAAAAHHHHHHHH……’ and is soon joined by his fellow mechanics as though they were singing the opening notes of a Broadway musical. Shoot, even the damn dog in the calendar on the wall joins in.
Once everyone has shut the hell up the woman simply responds with ‘thanks’ before driving off satisfied.

Why the long chorus of ‘AAAAAHHHHH…..’ you ask? Well, it’s because the tagline is that their satisfied customers will get that ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAA….llianz feeling’ and well, you can too.

Bullshit. The only reaction I get is “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH…….SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!”

Nothing against the company but yeah, I’m sorry, they lost me with that ad. When your commercials causes one to squirm uncomfortably on the spot as though they are listening to a long, drawn out recording of nails scratching on a blackboard you need to have a good look at yourselves. If they wanted to give that ad more pizazz they should have allowed that ‘AAAAAAHHHHH…..’ to go somewhere beyond sheer infernal noise, maybe into a revised rendition of the opening number for ‘OKLAHOMA’ with lyrics that are geared towards Allianz and the services that they offer. They could have turned the mechanic’s garage into a glittering stage with choreography and dance moves from the mechanics and the satisfied client thrown into the mix.
Hell, even that dog from the calendar could have come to life, leaped out from the wall and then ran around the set in circles. Everyone loves a good dog!
The musical number can end with everyone in some sort of post-dance pose, a position everyone holds for about two seconds before the customer breaks character, thanks the mechanics before driving off. At this point the mechanics and staff are still posing and someone randomly asks “can we relax now?”
“Ok, everyone, back to work” someone responds from the back.
The mechanics then break their poses and resumes their normal duties, thus ending the ad.
THAT would have been a kick-ass advertisement. Cheesy as hell but still a lot more fun than the one that they have on air right now.

Ads like that always have me wondering at what point did the trains run off the rails. I don’t know about y’all but to me, most TV ads today seem over-produced, at times over-acted and there is a lack of memorable taglines and slogans. There has also been a decline in catchy songs, jingles and jokes (although the jingle for the Vodafone ad gets stuck in my head for days whenever I hear it so there’s an exception) and in the case of that Allianz ad, just too weird and irritating although I have to give them points for being unforgettable in some way. I don’t work in the advertising sector but I do know that how a customer reacts to advertisements is kind of a big deal and this is especially important for TV ads as they have a very wide reach and so are an effective way to draw more customers into a business, kind of like casting a wide net out into the ocean to reel in more fish rather than just relying on boring old fishing lines. Even if you attract customers strictly because of the ads that they watched on TV, well, that’s still more money for the business, mission accomplished. You just need to not mess that shit up by following through with what you promised.

Nobody likes a con artist.

You know, my mother used to babysit our family friends’ children when my sister and I were young. What did she say in exasperation whenever they truly acted the fool?
“I think you guys should stop eating too many bananas. It’s making your body sing too much.”
Anyone that has seen the old commercial for Australian Bananas would know exactly what she was referring to and such a line only made them – plus my sister and I – laugh our heads off. If that’s not effective marketing then I don’t know what is.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that each and every recent TV advertisement sucks. There are some currently on the airwaves that are quite entertaining and three in particular stand out for me. The AAMI Insurance ad that involved a man, his girlfriend and best friend returning home from a concert only to find that thieves had made off with his beloved wall-mounted moose head always cracks me up. Those Compare The Market ads featuring Alexandr The Meerkat are usually quite hilarious even if Alexandr’s Russian accent seems to fade more and more with each ad and that Dare Iced Coffee ad featuring a new father contemplating on naming his newborn son ‘Callum Murray’ before he comes to his senses thanks to the coffee has me giggling and shaking my head in disbelief.

Why do I appreciate these ads? Well, to me they are beautifully acted, funny and had gimmicks to play off of. The protagonist in that AAMI ad was spot on with his facial expressions and reactions throughout, from when he was showing off the moose head to his friend, his wide-eyed shock upon his girlfriend informing him that they’d been robbed all the way to his joyful, Christmas-came-early reaction when an AAMI Insurance spokeswoman shows up at the front door with a replacement moose head. It also helped that he resembled a shorter, chunkier version of Borat, further upping his standing in the ‘funny-looking-dudes’ stakes.
As for Compare The Market, a Russian meerkat as a mascot? Geez, that’s random, who would have ever thought of that!? Combine that with his funny voice and a snappy script (although some of the ads are admittedly kinda corny) and you have an ad with some punch.
That Dare Iced Coffee ad was most likely a jab at celebrities that shamelessly give their children stupid names but also serves as a warning as to what can happen if one makes important decisions while their mind and focus are clouded (in this case, sleepwalking through the day and in dire need of a caffeine hit). The father in the ad (we’ll call him ‘Mr. Murray) thinks of several possible scenarios that can occur for his newborn son in the future with a name like ‘Callum Murray’, including one in which he is pulled over by the police for speeding and another in which his bride laughs in his face upon mentioning his name in her wedding vows. Somehow his mind never ventured towards the strange looks that poor Callum would have had to endure if he worked at a fish & chips shop. After taking a big gulp of the bottle of coffee in his hand Mr. Murray quickly wises up and chooses a more sensible name for his son.

Before closing I thought I’d also throw in a couple more ads for good measure, one that did the rounds on TV about ten or so years ago for the Australian beer brand Carlton Draught and a more recent one for Cadbury chocolates (man, what is it with chocolate ads?). For the Carlton Draught ad, all I have to say are four little words; It’s A Big Ad. Anyone that has seen that ad would know what I am talking about. Go ahead and type those words on YouTube you will find out why I thought it was memorable.
The Cadbury ad involved a young girl entering a corner stone while her single mother, who works long hours to make ends meet for them both, stands outside talking on her phone. This small, blue-eyed innocent little girl asks the rather gruff-looking man behind the counter for a block of chocolate and offers a single coin plus whatever small toys she happened to be carrying in her pockets as payment. The storeowner’s face remains as emotionless as an Easter Island statue as he looks outside and spots the mother talking on her phone but somewhere underneath that layer of menace his heart melts and he accepts the girl’s payment. She then happily runs outside and offers the chocolate to her mother as a birthday gift and they share a tender hug together as a smile finally breaks on the store owner’s face as he watches proudly from behind his counter.
The ad’s slogan? ‘There’s a glass and a half in everyone.’
Man, talk about a real feel-good ad. That one always brings a smile on my face even when I’m having a horrible day.

At the end of the day, this is just one man’s opinion and not everyone will agree. It’s cool, to each their own. But yeah, TV advertisements in general seem to have lost their way, at least compared to those from many years past. I say they should bring back the comedy, the musical numbers via song parodies if need be and of course, the catchy slogans. While there have been ads that were banned from the airwaves due to explicit content (I’m looking at you, KFC) companies shouldn’t be afraid to push boundaries like they did in the past (seriously, those Tim Tam ads were low-key dirty as fuck), nor should they be afraid to let their actors be as loud and quirky where applicable.
Be memorable in a good way. Make sure people remember what they saw and heard for a very long time.
Maybe if all of this happened with regularity then we’ll get more ads that will be remembered long after they’ve been aired.